Image may contain: Team, Person, People, Human

How to be a Uni Of Sheffield student when you go to Hallam

A derivative guide full of unfair stereotypes

Just imagine it – you're at home, you've just finished your A-Levels and you're waiting with anticipation to find out your results, to find out which university you'll be heading to, to find out the extent of your debt.

You've filled out your UCAS forms, you've applied for a couple of Red Brick universities, you've applied for maybe, one? two? polytechnics, but like the good polytechnics, because you're confident, but not that confident.

Your parents are anxious for you, they're saying, "please, son", begging you, "please don't let us down, we've told our friends you're going to a good university". The weight of the world is on your shoulders.

You've already let your Dad down – he wanted you to be a professional footballer but you accidentally called the referee 'Mam' and embarrassed him in front of all the other football dads. Your Mum is sick of you, let's be honest. She's sick of cleaning up after you, of cooking for you, all because you've never bothered to try, because your lower-middle class upbringing has never called for you to take care of yourself.

Now look, you've gone and got an underwhelming set of A-Level results because you didn't revise hard enough, you're having to desperately scramble through Clearing to find a place on a course at university because you failed to even get onto the courses at those good polytechnics you applied for.

Oh, God, you've got a place studying a BA at a middle of the road polytechnic. Your parents are there, they're so disappointed in you, they're asking you "Why? Why would you do this to us?"

You're me, and you're writing about how to act like a University of Sheffield student when you go to Sheffield Hallam.

Wear retro sportswear

If there's one thing I know about the University of Sheffield,and I know very little about the University of Sheffield, it's that the students love to wear retro sportswear.

I'm not talking about that beautiful Newcastle United away shirt from the 1996/97 season, I'm talking like big, oversized jackets, probably Adidas or something that was big in the 90s. Not Umbro, though. Fuck that.

They're probably made out of material that should be absolutely nowhere near naked flames, the kind of plastic material that makes a swishing sound when you move. Kudos to all you Uni Of students that smoke in those jackets, you are braver than I could ever be. I just hope you know how to stop, drop, and roll.

Drink ale

Sheffield is known for it's numerous micro-breweries, from Kelham Island to Little Critters to Abbeydale. Sheffield loves ale. We're making all of the ale. The rest of the country is calling us, they're saying "please guys, stop making all of the ale, there is too much ale." But Sheffield doesn't care, it has ale to spare, we are swimming in ale and we are loving it.

Anyway, ale is popular and Uni of students drink it.

Become an amateur DJ

Just don't ask me to check out your Soundcloud.

Talk about how you live in Crookes/Broomhill, but you used to live in Endcliffe/Ranmoor

Everyone I know that studies at the University of Sheffield lived in either Endcliffe or Ranmoor. If you want to pretend you're a student at Uni of just say you lived in one of the two, but now you live in Crookes or Broomhill.

If they ask you what block just say something generic like 'A Block', I don't know how it works. I don't even know why you're pretending to be a Uni of student anyway, if you're weird enough to try something like that then you can deal with the technicalities.

Go to Balti King and talk about how you went to Balti King

For the Hallam students out there are who are not au fait with Balti King, it's essentially a takeaway-stroke-restaurant in Broomhill which offers you the chance to have a sit down meal at 3am. Yes, you read that right.

Say you're on your way home from a night out, you're heading back to A Block at Ranmoor (because that's where you live [wink wink]), and you start to get a craving for Indian food (???). But not just Indian food you can take back to your kitchen in A Block, Indian food you can sit down and eat. In a restaurant. When you're drunk. When you're at your most annoying, your most inept, the most incomprehensible time to want to sit down and eat a meal. Just go to bed.

Regardless, Balti King is a hotspot for drunken diners from Uni Of, thus you must go there on your way home, and you must tell someone the following day that you went to Balti King the previous night. You must. Or it didn't happen. Sorry.

Don't go to HallamNation

Listen guys, I know it's hard to stop yourself going to HallamNation, what with it being such a joyous experience and all, but someone from Uni of wouldn't go to HallamNation.

Get really into Varsity. Get horny for Varsity.

You've got your Varsity hoodie on, you're talking about Varsity with your mates, "oh we love Varsity", you'll say, you're so horny for Varsity. Everybody starts chanting 'Varsity'. VARSITY. VARSITY. VARSITY. Sorry, guys, you're in a cult now.

At Hallam, there's not a lot of hype around Varsity, maybe because we lose every year, maybe because there's not a lot of interest in it, maybe because we're all still trying to comprehend why you'd want to sit down for a meal in Balti King after a night out. But either way, if you want to pass as a Uni Of student, you best start giving a shit about lacrosse because apparently that's a sport that people play.

Join an utterly ridiculous society

Sheffield Hallam has a pitiful lack of societies. It took me less than a minute to scroll through all of Hallam's societies; it took me a little bit longer to scroll through the societies at Uni Of. They have an Assassin's Guild Society. Come on, guys.

Spend £9000 p/year on a degree

Oh wait, Hallam do that too. That's right, it doesn't matter what university you go to, because at the end of the day, we're! all! fucked!