How to avoid drunk texting that one person you really don’t want to drunk text

Written by someone who’s been there a few too many times before


Drunk texting: you'll never know why you do it, and you don’t know if you'll ever stop, but if you're reading this then you're on the way to finally accepting it as part of your drunk persona.

As soon as you down your first VK, all you want to do is create a cripplingly awkward situation for your fragile Sunday morning self by messaging a boy you find attractive.

Normally a series of random words that only serve as a guide to how drunk you were, but embarrassing nonetheless.

So, as a seasoned experts in the art of drunk texting, we thought it was about time we imparted some of our wisdom on how to avoid doing it if you possibly can.

Delete his number and any previous conversations with him from your phone

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You can't even remember what he looks like, but you know you'll be texting him

Obviously, if you do see a romantic future with this guy don’t completely erase his number as a having to do a "new phone who dis?" next time he texts will be even more awkward. Just put his number in a friend’s phone and re-add it when your brain is back in a semi-rational state.

Don’t write it down and leave it anywhere accessible because, you know as well as me, you’ll simply find it and text him as soon as you get home. It's a decision which seems, mid-maccies, like a great idea but the next day will have you banging your head against a desk.

Delete all messaging apps from your phone

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Caught in the act

A risky one if you’re prone to going on drunk solo adventures like me, but if you can still ring your friends then I’d highly recommend this option.

It means that when you decide to booty call your ex at 2am, despite having spent the last half an hour crying about him in the toilets with your mates, you simply won’t be able to. This doesn’t stop you from re-downloading the apps but, let’s be honest, your concentration is only lasting until Toto's Africa inevitably starts playing 10 seconds later.

Try not to get too drunk

Sorry, stupid suggestion, ignore me.

Obviously this is the best option for both your dignity and your liver but is it feasible? No, probably not.

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Put your friends on lookout

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Tell your friends they must, under no circumstances, let you send that risky message.

For this one you’re going to need some committed mates, prepared to defend your dignity at all costs. Gals who don’t Instagram the one photo where you look like you’ve crawled out of a bin because their abs look really good in it. Pals who will desperately plead with the bouncer to let you in when you clearly fucked it 20 minutes into pres. Also, most importantly, they must be less of a drunk mess than you.

If you are in possession of even one of these friends then, for God’s sake, put them on patrol for the night.

Delete Tinder

A no brainer, but when you've got no numbers or message apps left on your phone, the first place you'll look instead is Tinder.

Save yourself the embarrassment of waking up the next day with a questionable looking local and just delete the app.

Get your mates to rename your dangerous contacts

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or as items of food as one of my mates once did

For instance, rename "Rugby Sam" and "Fit Jack" as "Landlord Tony" and "Boiler Man".

Trust me, at 2am, the last thing you’ll be thinking about is making sure your landlord knows that the mould problem in your housemate’s room is becoming a pressing concern.

Pre-warn your gentlemen friends

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Wine in hand, ready to ruin my life

Risky, but if you have the kind of confidence where you don’t think twice about updating your Facebook profile picture at a non-peak time, then this is the option for you.

A quick text such as "pls ignore anything I send you after 10pm, will likely be wearing my Echo Falls goggles x" or, preferably, something far wittier will do the trick.

"But what if none of these options work?!" we hear you shout in panicked tones – then own your incomprehensible texts!

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That look when you finally stop giving a shit

Do not read through the messages from the night before when you're hungover. Instead of burying yourself in a pit of shame and mortification, renouncing all men and alcohol for the rest of your life, and sending the basic "sorry, must have been a bit too drunk last night lol" text, just laugh it off.

Chances are if they’ve got even the slightest sense of humour they'll find it funny and flattering. If they don’t then I guarantee you can do much better.

So there it is, your fool proof guide to getting through 2018 without making a complete tit out of yourself and maybe even getting laid before the male population realises how much of a mess you are.