Everything going to Nottingham Uni teaches you

Ocean Burger just isn’t a thing

However many years you spend here, whatever halls you stay in and whatever course you study, there are few nuggets of information everyone graduates with. Lenton is the only respectable place to live, don’t mix with the locals too much and try Trent SU just once.

Beeston is fucking bumout

You chose Broadgate Park because it was self catering. But halfway through second year, you realise your friends in halls know way more people than you. Sainsbury’s queues are spent on your own and not seeing anybody you know is a serious knock to your confidence. Anyone who decides to live in Beeston after halls probably isn’t worth knowing.

Locals are either reprehensible or quite weird

Just try not to make eye contact and you’ll be fine.

Ice Hockey was the only varsity worth going to

Sure, when the weather was beaut then cricket was kind of OK. Only weirdos went to swimming or triathlon and darts was never the same after the big bust up of 2014. Rugby was fine, but the fans were too far away and you never filled the stadium. But Ice Hockey was the shit. 11,000 fans, the National Ice Arena, Heinous chants flying across the ice and roars whenever there was a big hit. It was arguably the best thing that happened all year.

There’s no good clubs on Saturday so you go Trent SU and pretend not to be posh

Saturday night is the domain of locals, and blue lights, and sirens. The centre is never a great place. Unless you’re going to shell out for Stealth, there’s only one real good place to go but it takes getting over your rivalry with Trent. You’ll go, expecting people to hate you, only to realise they have way way more fun than us. Tell them you go to Uni of and they’ll call you posh and laugh for a bit, then you’ll smash a VK together and they’ll introduce you to their mates and demand you get in their selfie Snapchat video.

Enduring Crisis was a rite of passage

BCL was hotter than the face of the sun, the smoking area was more packed that a Jamie Vardy’s kitchen and there were more absolute tossers than anywhere else in Nottingham. It was the same chart stuff played in Ocean, but somehow felt meaner and a bit more tryhard.

Everyone goes to Stealth once and tries MDMA

Famously the club with one of the best sound systems, Stealth draws in the big acts but you’ll shell out at least £20 for a ticket. You used to see people k-holing outside, but gone are the days you could get good ketamine in Nottingham. Everyone goes to Stealth once – mostly at the end of third year just to say they have. They’ll spend most of their time in the smokers area, chatting to people for hours while completely off their face and then pay for it the next day.

Albert Grove is the party road

Every single good after party you went to wasn’t on Kimbolton. It wasn’t on Rothesay, and it definitely wasn’t on Harrington. Kimbolton was the home of pre drinks, full of Oceana lovers and rosé wine drinkers. Albert Grove, just a short walk up Derby Road, looked like it would be a leafy retreat for families away from students. But it always hosted the best parties. There was one guy who owned a Mescaline cactus, at least half a dozen houses with basements and every house was equipped for Red Bull to throw a party in.

You’ll inadvertently pledge allegiance to Andy Hoe

The first time you heard of Ocean, you probably asked someone if they meant Oceana. You were a naive fool, used to regional clubs and maybe a bar in Zante. Fast-forward to Fresher’s, Baywatch comes on first the first time. You’re confused, seven jagers down and suddenly from nowhere, a feeling rises. It starts down in your gut, with the first du-du-du-du-du. By the time it gets to the first “I’ll be there” you don’t know how, but your shirt is off, your arms are flailing and you’re screaming out the words to a song that you didn’t think you knew the words to. Over the next three years, your love grows and blossoms. By the time GraduOcean rolls around, you’re sobbing uncontrollably into your Apple VK and have done something stupid like get the logo tattooed on your toe.

You really wanted the Bag O Nails to be a thing, but it never was

The location of the Bag was perfect, 10/10. It was everything a good student pub should be. It was cheap, it was bang in the middle of the student bubble and didn’t play completely awful music. But for some reason, it was just never a thing. Maybe it was the convicted sex offender manager, maybe it was the weird weird locals that were always in there, but there was just something a little off about it.

Ocean burger feels like an institution but you never go there

It was right there, it was always right where you wanted it, but you never ever ordered anything from there. You just got a napkin from there to clean the puke off your mouth. It always looked like it should be a hallowed institution of your Friday night, it has Ocean in the name after all – but you never went there.

Only the cool kids study in the Sky Lounge

Hallward ground floor is the main social hub on campus

If you go to Hallward, chances are you’re not there to work. You might complain about the long queue for a coffee, but you’re in that cafe because you’re having withdrawal symptoms from socialising. You’ve probably been sat in silent study for the last three hours trying to cop a glance at your library crush, but to no avail. It’s ok, they’re probably on the ground floor, rummaging through short stay.

Buy/Sell Tickets group is the main social hub off campus

And a creepy guy has definitely asked to see your boobs for a ticket.

If you lived on Jubilee (or was one of those weirdos who chose to live in Raleigh Park) your mornings were spent calculating the time you should sprint from breakfast to hopefully make a Hopper bus 45 minutes early just to make it to your 9am lecture

The truth is you probably rarely ever did because everyone thought the same thing and it was too fucking full. And now all you hear are jokes about your flat burning down after the great fire of 2014.

You’ll judge everyone who didn’t live in Lenton

If you don’t live in Lenton do you even go here? Dunkirk? Sorry what? Radford? Get outta here. Wollaton? Are you 80? And don’t even get started on the weirdos who live in the city centre.

You’ll see everyone you don’t want to see in the Sainsbury’s on Derby road

If you thought that one night stand you picked up in Ocean in first year was out of your life you thought wrong. Just go to the Derby road Sainsbury’s and he will be there along with a number of other guys you shagged.

Walks of shame down Derby road are as frequent as buses

So before you judge that girl in the black miniskirt carrying her heels just wait until the morning after the Crisis All Frighter when you’re strutting last night’s stuff at 9am.