The different types of stoners you’ll find at university

After some time of close and often accidental observation, I have compiled a list of the main types of stoners you’ll find during you time at University.

Regardless of the illegal aspect, it is, of course, a favourite pastime amongst students. The strong smell of weed can be detected permeating throughout Lenton and also every hall to an even greater degree at this time of year what with dreaded exams and deadlines drawing ever nearer. Understandable, you say?

If whilst studying the helpful list below you can’t think of anyone in your circle of stoners to match, it’s probably you.

Loner

No one actually knows they’re a stoner – that is, it’s not public knowledge – and you may only realise when you spot them skulking into a dark alley or behind a bush with a suspiciously long cigarette in their mouth. Alone, of course.

They could just be really stingy and not want to share their precious goods, or perhaps it’s some well deserved alone time for them. More often than not, however, this category is made up of students studying abroad who don’t realise it’s a normal thing to do in the UK too.

Leader

It always falls on this individual to ring the dealer, pick up, roll the weed… do everything actually and so they often get extremely fed up with the general incompetence of their friends.

They don’t have money. They can’t roll. They don’t have any numbers. I guess I’ll sort it out again, then. This is the person you feel awkward around because they’re just so knowledgeable and you’re just so inept.

They just… know people.

Beggar

This person is the worst of all of the types; for an experienced stoner, they’re the ones to avoid. They never have money or they have always ‘forgotten’ to take cash out, but they have some sort of marijuana 6^th sense telling them whenever their friends are about to pick up.

They sometimes even invite another non-paying friend – then it’s time to tell them to piss off.

Rookie

This guy or girl will constantly use cringe worthy terms more cringe worthy than cringe worthy that no one who actually knows what they’re doing would dream of uttering. These include ‘let’s blast a stick’, ‘jolly green’ and ‘pocket rocket’. There are many more.

They also almost definitely throw up – or, to be technical, ‘pull a whitey’ – every single time. It’s been a whole year, and they still ‘can’t hack’ a whole spliff.

Risky one

You never know whether to admire or worry about this type. They probably smoke weed in their room (which is risky as fuck in halls) and put a condom over the fire alarm. I hear this does work, though.

Then they probably walk around campus with a joint sitting comfortably behind their ear, and doubtless don’t care for security or any person in a position of authority knowing their illegal habit. They might, if the riskiest of the risky, even grow it.

They just don’t give a shit.

Wannabe Bob Marley

This passionate sort has one spliff and thinks they’re Bob Marley – a common phrase amongst these types is “put some reggae on man”. To distinguish them, look at their fashion sense – there’s a good possibility they’re donning Jamaican colours regardless of their nationality. If you’ve ever seen their room, it will almost definitely be covered with cannabis leaf posters and authentic stoner wall hangings.

The Paranoid One

Every lamppost, tree or innocent bystander turns into security or a police officer when you get landed with this one. As soon as the butt is stamped out, they’ll provide everyone present with chewing gum and body spray to get rid of any evidence. If you’re lucky, they might even tell you all of the future plans they had which are no longer applicable because they’re probably going to go to prison for this, *sob*.

It just gets really fucking annoying to be honest, especially when they cry.