The not-so traditional Easter Egg

It is upon us again, that time of year where the lambs are springing, the daffodils dancing and the bunnies bouncing… in Snow White maybe.

In reality, it’s that time of year deemed acceptable to drown your sorrows in copious amounts of chocolate – no breakup required, when the only appreciation is for excessively long holidays, and the closest you’ll get to a bunny is a frustrated girl in fancy dress.

Sounds cynical, I know. Which is why I am here to open your eyes to the eggs of a very different Easter egg.

No, this doesn’t include the chocolate ones, the hand painted middle class ones, or the ones of that provocatively dressed bunny rabbit but instead a scarcely populated, rarely seen, new generation of egg.

The Sporty ones

The sporty ones.

These are the most common of the species, usually identified by hoodies and tracksuits featuring their name (in case they forget), their sport (just so you all know) and their university.

Recent studies have shown that, males in particular, seem to carry unneeded sports equipment such as hockey sticks and racquets around campus.

This is thought to accentuate masculinity and act as a ‘wooing’ mechanism for the opposite sex.

The Permanently hung over ones

Also known as the ‘I regret being so drunk last night’ eggs.

These can usually be found carrying a bottle of water round campus or if strong enough by this point in the day – coffee.

However, it doesn’t matter how much brown liquid they consume: that pale complexion sticks to them like last nights memories of going to bed with a solid 8/10 and waking up next to a generous 4.

The part-timer ones

For these eggs morning doesn’t exist, unless it is the early hours of the morning from the night before.

Despite developing nocturnal lifestyles, for these, a new sleeping pattern doesn’t seem to hinder what they describe to be the ‘cotch’ life.

This life includes minimal attendance, maximal laze and entire reliance on the life saving creation of Moodle.

The Edgy ones

Once a rare stereotype within this species, now increasingly common.

Traditionally associated with house music, in edgy spaces, cutting edgy shapes with a girl named Mandy.

More recently, edgycation has opened its doors to a few more pupils. Cue the arrival of the excessive facial hair (only currently men), the Mulan bun (which probably should’ve stayed on Mulan) and the cold blooded (those who feel it necessary to wear a beanie at all times).

Clothing in the form of ‘wavey garms’, usually includes the edgy combination of new on the market and fresh from the closest of the dead (vintage apparently).

This said, without this resourceful approach to clothing, how else would charity shops survive?

The Couples

The hand holders, constant smilers, public kissers and most commonly known as the couples.

Members of these seem to develop a strong force field attraction during stages of relationship and often find themselves attached to partners for long periods of time unable to leave.

Scientists call this magnetism, I call it convenient.

The Posh Ones

Unlike most eggs, posh eggs do not have the regular type of parent, instead they have what is known to be a ‘mummy’ and a ‘daddy’.

They can often be heard discussing their exotic travels to third world countries during their gap yah.  Yes, apparently too, these eggs do not have what we call a ‘year’ but instead a ‘yah’.

Can also be frequently seen round campus wearing the contents of their suitcase from their travels; shorts and flip flops being the most common combination.

The controversial ones

I feel that by being controversial about the controversials may spark some controversy. But I’m sure I can take a few strikes and banners before I fry my next.

Opinion contrary to popular belief has left them dubbed as the ‘rotten eggs’ and they certainly have left a stink on some campuses.

One university found its shops shelves stripped of ‘The Sun’ due to stripping of another sort found on page 3.

It appears that, if you’ve got it flaunt it and if you haven’t, why not ruin it for everyone else?

The promoters

Welcome to inside a reps head.

These eggs are recognisable by their sly tact to promote in almost any given situation: the newsfeed clogging posts they insist on sharing telling us the exact same information they had five fucking minutes previous, the stashes of cash we believe them to have when actually the 50p commission in which they really own amounts to a grand total of £5.50.

This Easter, we think of these eggs and their desperate days and consider that they may be persistent but always loyal in their ways.

So next time you jump straight on to Fatsoma, just think of that little ‘2-4-1’ cheer and know that a rep isn’t just for one night, they’re for the whole year.

The stoners

This has been a topic of speculation for many years, but yes, it has been confirmed and it is true, eggs do blaze.

This year presents a momentous occasion for these eggs in particular with Easter falling on the renowned 20^th April.

A day for all stoners of all shapes, sizes and coloured yolks to congregate in Hyde Park and celebrate one very special plant indeed.

So in the words of the stoner; Happy Easter and Happy 4/20 – Blaze it.