The Nottingham Rumpologist

“Rumpology or “Bottom Reading” is a pseudoscience performed by examining crevices, dimples, warts, moles and folds of a person’s buttocks.”

Dear Bryony,

Despite hours honing my perfect bum in the Uni Park gym, my latest dip in the Ocean wasn’t as successful as I’d hoped. Valentine’s Day is coming up and I want to bag myself someone who will give my cheeks the love they deserve. Can you help?


Dear reader, 

I am asstounded that with such a defined bottom you have been unsuccessful so far, but don’t give up just yet because I can sense that a potential match is closer than you think.

From the hint of roundness that your tush beholds, it is obvious to me that you are a hard nut to crack, but deep down you are a softy at heart.

With your strong will to succeed and sense of adventure you should continue to seek women with similar traits to yourself. Perhaps venture to Jubilee on a Wednesday and try out a Tums “n” Bums class where there’ll be plenty of girls taking the time to preen their finely toned derrières. Don’t forget to don the lycra leggings and wife beater.

Work it

Work it

Your somewhat strained astral line indicates that you should keep an eye on your finances as someone close to you cannot be trusted. Although you are a very trusting individual, I would advise you to keep on the side of caution as to avoid a major catasstrophe. If in doubt, tell your peers to butt out!

Whilst the definition of your rump suggests that you know you are a powerful individual, you should also be aware that new people can be put off by your overwhelming self-confidence. Sometimes it’s ok to let your guard down and show the girls a bit of vulnerability.

Consider dabbling in an impressive book like Pride and Prejudice when you hitch the 34 to Uni – this could unleash the mushy side of you, as well as get the doughy-eyed singletons looking your way for Valentine’s.

The perfect place to show your sensitive side

The perfect place to show your sensitive side

Your smooth glutes show your confident approach to women but this can sometime comes on too strong and needs to be softened. That said, don’t be afraid to continue to pursue the honey, as your ample rear-end suggests that you have the strength of character that should cushion the blow of rejection.

I urge you to take a tour of Nottingham’s nightlife scene as soon as possible, I’m sure your classy hindquarters are sure to be appreciated!


Rumpology is fast becoming the country’s most popular form of therapy. If you want Bryony to analyse your rump, send her an email with your concerns (and your bum) – [email protected]