7 Girls & 1 Mug: January Blues

Muggins returns to discuss new year’s resolutions…

So we’re back in Nottingham with a new zest for Lenton life.

Returning during the exam period is what it must be like for a Chernobyl local to go home: good to be back but no one’s really around.

By Lenton Life (possible spin off magazine?), I mean spending every waking hour in Hallward. My only expenditure seems to be buying what is surely not Starbucks coffee and making some difficult choices at the weakest stocked vending machines in Europe.

Even now I’m still stuck there, writing this with Britain’s heaviest breather behind me. He’s either very passionate about his revision or is harbouring more germs than a plague victim. Either way it sounds like I’m in an aircraft hanger. 

In the house we kick-started 2013 with a conversation about our new years resolution to sack off the crimbo weight. This is like juggling a hand grenade for me. Staying schtum seemed to be the safest option. A particular pattern seemed to emerge of harking back to the glory days of skinniness, which were almost invariably before uni and anyone present knowing them.

‘I wish i’d taken more advantage of my skinniness.’

‘How do you mean?’

‘I would have worn more shorts’ (we’ve all wished that).

‘I was at my thinnest at the end of my gap year.’

‘I’m going to get the gap back.’

A note on that last one, you haven’t lived until you’ve seen seven girls simultaneously checking to see if they’ve got the gap.

We’ve recently invested in a new blender and some scales. Can’t see any potential for a complex there. The baby food/liquid diet has been weighed up as a serious possibility. This is all well and good but Bridget recently had a massive Tesco delivery
courtesy of mother, which contained so much meat her fridge shelf now resembles a
mini abattoir.

A few of the girls have taken the plunge and invested in gym membership. Watch
out Raw. The girls are very good at trying to justify each others weight, they figured that
Rachel’s boobs count towards at least 40% of her body weight (they genuinely might do). I
also overheard one of them say ‘you only weigh that much because you’re legs are so

We discussed how much weight each individual wanted to lose. I’m going to do an official weigh-in every Sunday and publish my findings in a chart here. Whoever loses the least will be labeled chubster of the week and will have to wear a hotdog suit around campus.*

Anyway, its good to see all of you beautiful, studious people back. Except for you heavy breather, you I have very little time for.

*The Tab in no way condones eating disorders.