Slagging off Essex won’t make you posh

It’s time to stop pretending you hate Essex. 

Loads of people are envious of the Essex lifestyle, and they cope with that jealousy by making sly digs. It’s easy to brush off though: letting people think their region is superior to Essex is like letting a six-year-old think they can actually beat you up – bless.

Not that Joey Essex is the spokesperson for Essex, but a lot of you do need to adopt his philosophy: don’t be jel, be reem. Cringiness aside, he has a point.

The yard

Everyone from Essex who leaves the nest to go to uni can relate to that moment when someone says “Are you from Essex? You sound so Essexy.” Or even when you tell someone you’re from Essex, and they just reply, “I could tell.” Alright, cheers.

Literally everyone across the country recognises the Essex accent, so we speak it with pride. The best feeling is the smugness when people know you’re from Essex, but you have no idea at all where their basic bitch home is.

You can mock TOWIE if you want, but the reason you know about it is because it’s successful, and the people are interesting. No, not everyone in Essex watches TOWIE, and not everyone in Essex wears fake tan. But even if they did, would there be anything wrong with that?

She just saw her fake tan in the mirror

I hate to break it to you, but fake tan exists in your county as well – beauty products aren’t restricted to Essex. We won’t rip you for “cultural appropriation” if you fancy trying on a bronzed glow.

There are two types of English people: Essex people, and wannabe Essex people. We can’t blame you, who wouldn’t want to experience the Essex nightlife? It’s undoubtedly the best and nowhere else seems to put in as much effort for a good night out.

Once you’ve been at uni for a few months, you almost crave putting on a pair of good heels and actually dressing up to go out. You won’t find a club like Sugar Hut or Faces and Fiction anywhere else.

A fave for a messy night

After every night out, everyone comes home having made best friends with the person selling stuff in the toilets: perfume, lollipops, flip flops, deodorant, you name it. It doesn’t take long before you pick up their songs, and the men’s toilet catchphrase. “No Armani, no punani” is a personal fave.

You’ll also never grow out of the Essex ways – even the parents are well up for it. As the saying goes, you can take the girl out of Essex, but you can’t take the Essex out of the girl.

Like mother like daughter

There is a mutual respect between anyone from Essex, even though it’s actually a huge county. It’s an unspoken law that anywhere above Chelmsford is essentially fake Essex – thanks for the zoo though, Colchester.

That aside, no matter where you are in the country, Essex people tend to gravitate towards each other. Everyone in Essex seems to know each other, or have at least heard of each other.

That’s the best thing about Essex: we’re one big happy family.