UEA Mashed: Patriarchy Sweeps UEA

Disclaimer: This article does not reflect the views of The Norwich Tab or its editing team.

Men around UEA have been responding to the recent raised profile of the patriarchy around campus with mild interest and disappointment.

Maths student Tom Logan told the Tab: “From what I hear members of the Patriarchy get some great deals, how can I join? I don’t have any advantages over women that I’m aware of and I’ve already used the few good deals on O2 Priority Moments.”

He joined a growing murmur of men who are pretty sure they’re not obstructing the emancipation of women. However, the knowledge that they don’t really care either way about ‘Blurred Lines’ or even ‘The Sun’, and fear of impassioned reprisals prevents them from doing anything. This being said, they do not especially have to do anything now, and non-action is mostly their preferred form of action anyway.

A male student sports club member pointed to current SportsPark refurbishment: “The changing room upgrades have exclusively inconvenienced men! The male site workers disrupted the male changing area, and made it extremely cold, and now the female area is being worked on the changing rooms have been swapped so men have to endure further cold and disturbance while women merely have to walk into a different room, but one that is at least has full facilities and heating!”

Other challenges faced by men include often having to walk upstairs, or all the way to the back in clothes shops, and male cyclists have long suffered being frowned upon for shaving their legs.

“The Patriarchy has a high profile,” said Tom Logan, “but real men living real lives are cut off from really benefiting from it. It’s like government financial bailouts, they give out billions, but do I see any of it? Not a penny.”

“The pressure to open tight jam jars, reach high objects, hold open doors, fight and die in frontline warfare, pay for romantic meals, last for a long time in bed should surely come with some payoff,” he forlornly suggested, “and there is a general suspicion that female orgasm is better and you get that lots of times against only a few occasions of the agony of childbirth, which is basically optional anyway!”

He concluded: “I’m not sure I’d go as far as say ‘I wish I was a woman’, but if I was, I certainly wouldn’t complain.”

P.S. For those of you taking offense. This is satire.