Mud, rain and ket: everything that will inevitably happen at Parklife
Better drink 12 cans before we get there just in case
With The Warehouse Project's 2017 shows now a distant memory, it's time to get excited about Manchester's biggest event of the summer: Parklife. The lineup, leaked early on The Tab Manchester on Tuesday, is better than ever.
To get you hyped up for the likes of Jamie xx, A$ap Rocky, Four Tet, Manchester's very own LG (as you were x) and many more, we've put together a list of everything that will (probably) happen at this June's event in Heaton Park.
You'll smash the vodka mixer at 11am, because why not?
Exams are over and you're buzzing for the first big blowout of summer, that first taste of vodka and cranberry induced freedom. The day starts early – no point waiting around – and that means the drinks are flowing well before you set off to Heaton Park. You've earned this, and it's time to let your hair down and get ready for the day ahead.
That, and you can't afford to blow £4.50 on pints all day.
The bus journey is used to down as many precious "last" cans as poss
The bus journey to Heaton Park is reminiscent of fresher's weeks gone by – everyone is getting ready to have a good time, finishing the last of the booze before you get to security, and there'll probably be a footy-related chant thrown in for good measure.
Someone makes a HILARIOUS social media post about sniffer dogs
Never heard that one before mate.
You see someone get taken aside at the gates
"Imagine being that person", you mutter to yourself silently, as security take the unfortunate individual aside. You stride through, patting the sniffer dog on the head as you go: you're in.
One of your mates manages to take a photo of the set times
Of course you're not going to pay for a booklet with the set times for each stage – you'll happily nab a quick pic from a randomer with a guide though.
Someone goes for a piss/to the bar and all organisational hell breaks loose
"Meet here, yeah? We'll be 15 minutes – really fast – promise."
The group begins to splinter off – as much as you all try – and any hopes of finding everyone again are dashed as the day wears on and no one has any phone signal.
You think you catch a glimpse of them through the crowd later on – but everyone dresses the same, so you'll never truly know.
You convince yourself that a few drinks won't break the bank
It's 2pm, the buzz from the breakfast vodka is wearing off, and you don't want to start flagging: maybe the drinks are worth it, after all. You all promise each other you'll only buy one per hour, but six cans and an empty wallet later, you're too gone to care.
Two of your favourite acts will clash
With a lineup so varied and plentiful, clashes between popular acts are unavoidable. This doesn't make the decision any easier, as you're wrenched between the main stage and Elrow. Some things just aren't meant to be.
Someone gets stuck in the mud
Nearly as pitiful as the person who got taken away by security at the gates, the stuck in the mud individual casts a lonely figure. They've probably fallen over a good few times trying to wrench themselves free, and their outfit/poncho is covered in it. After an hour, their friends leave them to go and see Skepta. They stand there, stuck, watching from afar, wishing one day they will be set free. It's possible they've only got one shoe left. Passers by give apologetic glances, but none are willing to risk getting stuck themselves. With a sad recognition that this is their life now, the victim concedes victory to the mud. They will be standing there, waiting for an escape, for the next three years.
Bucket hats will be everywhere you look
Everyone knows that bucket hats are a given at a festival, but the amount at Parklife is mind-boggling. Bucket hats, of all varieties, bopping up and down together in a crowd of thousands. The sight is truly beautiful.
If it rains, finding shelter becomes a survival instinct
Only the strongest can survive and stay dry. If you're lucky, you'll head to shelter as you feel the first few drips of rain, protected by your pastel coloured poncho, and avoid being soaked.
If you're too late to get into a tent, you begin to feel like you may never be dry again. Your favourite bucket hat is soaked through, and your drink begins to fill up with rainwater. You will learn from this.
That one person takes it a bit too far
Whether it's one of your mates or someone in the crowd, this is inevitable. It's only 5pm, and normally you'd be getting ready to tuck into a hearty meal – but this kid, this ultimate sesh monster, is pinging all over the field. They're somehow everywhere at once, have been to see every DJ, are on the ultimate level, and cannot be stopped. The evening is still young, after all, and there are many grooves to be had.
They go home at 8pm.
Your squad reunites
That toilet/bar break seems like an eternity ago – and eventually, your group manages to find each other. The main DJ is coming on, the timing is perfect. You tip your bucket hats to one another in mutual respect just as the music starts up.
With the day coming to a close, you head back to the buses
The half hour wait for the bus is the perfect time to reflect. Dave downed 10 cans and was sick on someone's poncho? Legend. Sally got mud in her plaits and lost her hoop earrings in a mosh pit seeing Solardo? Legend. That person is still stuck in the mud? Legend.
You head back home – to the after party, for a few chill drinks, to an Afterlife event (you clearly can't be tamed), or to bed. Showering has never felt so good – and you've got it all to come again tomorrow.