What your drink of choice says about you

In a world of “what does your [insert here] say about you?” we’ve gone back to an oldie but a goodie. What does your drink of choice say about you? What is everyone thinking when you order at the bar? Will you ever order the same thing again?

Standard Drinks

Vodka
It tastes grim, let’s stop the conspiracy. Vodka tastes like straight up alcohol. That’s why you spend £25 on Absolut Vanilla/Peach/Raspberry/Lemon  because you can’t even look at the basics label anymore. You justify your drink, which burns not just a hole in your purse but also in your stomach, by collecting the absolut bottles. Maybe you’ll put fairy lights in them, or they will just sit on your shelf, judging you, a monument signifying the money you straight up wasted on a drink that tastes just as bad coming back up. But hey, if you can deal with the burn, you’ll get through uni with your Sainsbury’s basics and never break your maximum £5 a night drink rule.

No more vodka lemonades for you hun x

Rum
Yo-ho Yo-ho a Pirates life for me. Rum is a tricky one, it goes too well with coke, the sweet sweet diabetes inducing Cocoa Cola and the warmth of the rum lulls you into a false sense of security, you think you can knock them back like Captain Jack. You can’t. The bouncer will most likely pick you up off the bathroom floor and make you leave the club.

Gin
You probably love cats, knitting and you’re waiting to for retirement because then Miss Marple is on tv all day. It’s inoffensive, refreshing, you’ll mix it up with cucumber or lemon because that’s what the cute bartender did. Or go for a gin and juice, it’s cheap and cheerful. Then you’ll drink too many, send a series of drunk texts to your ex, cry with the girls, eat a share box of chicken nuggets (that you absolutely will not share) and come the morning you can blame it all on how gin makes you sad – it’s a scientific fact that no one can prove.

Whisky/Bourbon/Scotch
They’re all the same, not the drinks but the people who drink them. You’re either irish or a bloke. If you’re a bloke you most likely have a tattoo, props to you if you went all out and got ‘Jack Daniels’ tattooed on your arm you crazy thing. You’ll order it straight, no rocks no mixer and you will regret it, you know everything tastes a bit better with the liquid sugar that is Coca Cola. But here you are with your 50mls of pure throat burn, that in all likelihood you’ll either try and shot or someone will knock all over your checkered shirt. You’ve been mugged off, and probably pied off because even though Mila Kunis is on the advert for Jim Bean, the girls in the club are all looking at you with sad eyes, the only people they know who drink whisky straight are their grandads.

Cider
You’re not getting on the sesh, this is your pub drink not your night out drink. The girls will have maybe one or two, you don’t want to be too bloated in your new skirt and someone told you how much sugar is in your strawberry lime Kopparberg and you can’t possibly ruin your diet with cider, don’t worry though the cheesy chips later on don’t count. The lads will judge you if you get a fruity Kopparberg, it’s not one of the “lad” drinks. You look around, everyone’s drinking beers and you’re too ashamed to admit that you like the fruity refreshment of an ice cold can of cider. But you’ve never seen a lad pull when his drink is bright pink so you order yourself a pint of beer. Face it, the only place your Strongbow Dark Fruits is acceptable is a festival or on the park when you’re sixteen.

Cider is the drink of festivals

Beer
My Red Stripe looks cool even if it doesn’t taste great. You know it’s cheap, it lasts and your instagram will look well edgey.

Red Stripe = cool gals

Wine
You desperately want to like it, but red wine tastes vinegary, white wine sucks and what even is rose? It’s the go to pre drink, particularly when there’s 2 bottles for £5 in New Zealand Wines – an absolute bargain apart from the fact the wine smells like farts. It’s not a sustainable night out drink, and imagine the wine headache you’ve heard about. But still it’s the socially acceptable dinner drink so you will indulge at Pizza Express, but your night out will remain wine free.

Prosecco
Fizzy wine. It’s either a special occasion or you’re just splashing out. You must have gone to a classy establishment, probably around Deansgate and your instagram will look mega aesthetic tomorrow morning. Expect captions like “spontaneous drinks with the girls”, “squad goals”, “classy AF” with multiple emojis – you know who you are.

Cocktails 

Long Island Ice Tea
Every where serves it, it is a classic, it doesn’t cost too much and your alcohol to mixer ratio is great. It tastes just how you’d expect rum, vodka, gin and tequila to taste but it definitely helps you get on the sesh.

Enjoying that babe?

Mojito
Refreshing, the mint and lime with the right amount of rum. This drink is like a garden in your glass, there are so many mint leaves and they keep getting stuck in the straw making your face flush pink. But at least you like it and everywhere serves it, you’ve set yourself up with a classic cocktail that you’ll have for life.

Cosmopolitan
It’s cute, pink and comes in a classy glass. You and the girls had it at V-Fest from a bag and now every time you get together this little gem is a necessity. It’s essentially just Vodka and Cranberry Juice, but a sugared rim and a twist of lemon makes you feel like you’re fresh out of an episode of Sex and the City.

Porn Star Martini
James Bond drinks martinis and he’s sexy (not necessarily the actors but the character), plus a porn star must be sexy too. It’s double sexy dressed in passion fruit with a shot of champagne. You giggle a little as you order it at the bar at Revs and glance over to the group of middle aged men that suddenly sparked up the moment a pretty young thing said “Porn Star Martini, please”. You know what they’re thinking and you lower your eyes and giggle, knowing full well they may buy your drink but you’ll make sure never to see them again.

Zombie
You looked down the list for the drink with the most in it. Here you are, you’ve ordered it with no idea what’s coming but as the bartender throws bottles and splashes unknown mixtures into the glass you stare in amazement as it fills up, and it keeps filling, oh my god, you might not survive this. But then the shake, the strain and the juice. But what is happening now, the whole bar crowd turns to face you as the blow torch comes out, you’ve paid for a show not just a drink. You will not like it but that doesn’t stop you ordering another one.

Shots Shots Shots

Tequila
Literally gross without lemon and salt. A drink that needs side dishes isn’t a drink you need in your life. You’ll put it to your lips, the smell alone is enough to make you dizzy, then you shot and as soon as it hits the back of your throat that gag reflex kicks in. The worst thing about tequila is you have to swallow it twice and it burns, but still you’ll find yourself back at the bar “hit me up” you declare through double vision with fire breath. One time you mixed it in with homemade cocktails, you lay in bed with a bowl a couple of hours later not sure you’d ever taste anything else ever again.

Tequila = mexican liquid of fire.

Jägerbomb

It literally tastes like cough syrup but that won’t stop you spending an extortionate amount and thinking you got a good deal. £5 each is not a good deal. It also says DO NOT MIX WITH ALCOHOL on the energy drink cans, this doesn’t stop you, you wild thing.

Sourz
It’s fruity and tingly, like tangfastics in liquid form, plus it’s alcoholic so even better. You’re ready for some fun, but not the full on sesh. Sourz is a safety shot, you’ll survive.

Sambuca
If you drink Tequila you don’t drink Sambuca. You’re either one or the other but both of them are actually gross. No one likes it, we’re all just show offs.

Sambuca Black
It’s like Sambuca but for crazy people who love aniseed. If your bartender asks if you want it extra hot, for the sake of your insides say no. Tabasco Sauce and Sambuca is as grim as it sounds, but that won’t stop you. Once you’ve committed to shots that’s it, you’re mixing and living life on the edge. A smile around at everyone at the bar because you can do shots, you’re king of the castle, the queen of this club, just don’t let anyone see you vomming in the toilets.