Picking up in Fallowfield: The etiquette guide
Two for a hundy pal
After reading this you’ll be the drug king or queen of Fallowfield, a valuable rep to have on campus.
Freshers’ week is long gone and you’ve probably all had enough pissed nights at Fifth and Factory to last a lifetime. It’s time to get your ass down to Antwerp Mansion to get wavy.
Manchester is known to be the uni that has the highest level of drug consumption among students, with 85% of you naughty lot reported to have tried it.
So don’t be that guy who doesn’t have a clue. We’re here to help.
First, choose your poison. Be careful with this – you don’t want to look super lame not knowing your drugs, so let’s stick with the official sponsor of your first year: MDMA.
Next, find a dealer’s number. This should be easy, just walk up to any stranger on Wilmslow Road and ask if they’ve got one. People are really friendly up north so they’ll be keen to help you out and spread the love.
When you contact your dealer/new bezzie, be confident. Jump straight in with a phone call and put on your best north London accent. They mustn’t find out your posh or they’ll end up selling you expensive coke and you’ll feel like a dick (I wouldn’t recommend trying a Mancunian accent, they’ll spot your fraudulent behaviour immediately). Always address your dealer as “bruv” or better yet, “homes”. He’ll feel comfortable around you straight away and know you’re a safe guy.
It’s best to keep Urban Dictionary open at all times to keep your slang on point and to ensure no essential details are lost in translation.
Once you’ve got the intros out of the way and you two are super tight, you better get down to business. Tell him straight that you want discount for buying in bulk, he’ll really admire your gusto. Start at a low price and you’ll definitely be onto a winner.
Now, arrange a meeting place. Best to keep it in a dark alley way so it’s not too bait. Some dealers will meet you at your halls, but those Owens Park security men are onto you so don’t get complacent. When you meet your dealer, keep your hood up (with matching trackies, obv), and check around you at all times. This will let your dealer know you’re on top of the situation and you’ve got his safety in mind.
Make sure you learn the special drug deal handshake. This is probably the most important part of the pick up. If you’re a first timer then find a cool second year kicking about Fallowfield for advice on this – they know all about drugs. If you don’t do it properly, the whole deal could fall through.
When the transaction has been made, dismount safely with a simple fist bump. Have your slang-heavy goodbye rehearsed and ready: “Safe, G, much love” should be enough.
Now frolic back to your flat mates and share that stash.
It is generally polite to send your dealer selfies throughout the night so he knows you’re enjoying his produce, and a thank you text the next day. Maybe ask him for his top tips for treating a come down as well. They love the caring and sharing.
Happy picking-up, kids. And remember, you are the drug king.