Best places to have a poo on campus

University Place, 5th Floor

Just getting back from dropping another one

Pros: More serenity than a Zen peace garden.

Cons: Tough to explain your long absence to classmates

Nothing beats a quiet shit in a rarely frequented convenience. The bowl is usually pristine, the seat in no need of a wipe and the paper plentiful.

If I know game theory, and I don’t, those seeking a quiet UP shit should know the best option to pick from a series of options is not the one that people assume to be least popular.

In this six floor monstrosity of a building, equipped with toilets on every floor, that option would naturally be floor six: the ground floor serves a busy coffee shop, floors one to four serve the gargantuan lecture theatres of the mighty tin can, floor six is the furthest one can remove himself/herself from the hustle and bustle.

Wrong! Every pleb seeking a quiet shit is thinking this, hit up five if you truly seek the wonderful privacy, the beautiful sanctuary, the startling rarity that is a peaceful shit in a hygienic public toilet.

No need to thank me, just enjoy your peaceful poo.

Library, ground floor stairwell

LOL

Pros: Probably some sort of sick thrill that the rest of us will never understand

Cons: The disdain of 99.9% of humanity.

No! Stop it! Whoever this was, stop it! This is not a place to shit. If the culprit is ever apprehended, I expect them to be immediately extradited to The Hague on a charge of “having less moral fibre than Tony Blair” (although, evidently, more literal fibre).

We do not shit at the bottom of the library stairs, not in the civilised world. Bad shitter! Stop it!

The proper Library toilets

The novelty of shitting somewhere not underneath the stairs

Pros: 21st century facilities

Cons: Treacherous at exam time, miles from anywhere but Blue

If any of you are fans of the film “Trainspotting”, you will be more than familiar with a scene in which an emaciated yet still dashing Ewan McGregor submerges himself in “the Worst Toilet in Scotland”.

Under normal circumstances, a comparison between this and the bright, modern conveniences of the University Library (it’s still called the John Rylands to us oldies) is unfounded.

However, add a few thousand defecating arses during exam season and you can expect bangers and mash to be on the menu with every visit.

Chronic blockages, impatient door knockers, long judgemental queues. Be careful: Wipe the seat on every visit and, to be honest, I wouldn’t blame you if you felt the need to shower in bleach afterwards.

The Alan Gilbert Building

Not coping well with the smell

The smell made the look on his face happen

Pros: Central heating, a door

Cons: Skids and odour

Ali G. and “Staines Massive” have always been synonymous and that hasn’t changed following the construction of this glass cube of scholasticism.

It may be something about the energy drink-only diet of the Ali G’s insomniac inhabitants but the toilets in this building possess skids-a-plenty.

Only shit if you absolutely must. If you can hold it in long enough to go ANYWHERE else, do. You’d probably find a cleaner bowl at 3am in Fifth Ave.

Sackville Street Building

Remember this?

Pros: A quiet, retro poo

Cons: Single glazing makes in-cubicle temperatures rival St. Petersburg in winter.

The Sackville Street Building is a behemoth of a structure that is sadly being phased out of service by the University – and it shows.

If you like a bit of history with your shit, how about crapping on a bog that has hosted turds since Winston Churchill was PM?

Be careful on the hygiene front however – some of the cubicles are so dingy that it can be easy to miss when someone has left their business all over the seat.

Hold in your hand a piece of paper and be sure to give the old cursory wipe before proceeding to plop.

Happy shitting!