The essential guide to winning on Facebook

Facebook is a game. Always has been, always will be. Here is the Tab’s Instruction book to help you win!


Over the past several years, the likes of Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat and more have taken over the ‘cool’ aspect of social media. Despite us all now claiming that we use these other forms more, Facebook is still our nodal point of activity.

fomo

We may all forget about it once in a while, but at some point we will always touch base, and use it when we so desperately need. I like to think of Facebook as a bit of a Dad in that sense – not the coolest, but something all of us need and use more often than we admit.

As the ‘coolness’ has declined, so too has the amount of likes/comments/shares people are prepared to give. It’s the credit crunch of the digital world.

But with this set of instructions, you can learn to be the digital capitalist that you deserve to be, accumulating the most amount of likes you possibly can, thus making you look popular – even if you are not!

Tactical Tagging

Ever uploaded an album from a great holiday that you’ve put six month in the gym for, tagged all of your photos all at once, and not getting the attention that certain photos fully deserve? Well, with tactical tagging, that is a thing of the past!

Upload you album, sure, but only tag 4-5 photos at a time. Wait for your timeline to get particularly boring over the next 6 months, a time where it doesn’t look like you are having too much fun.  This way, people will like a concentrated amount, which, over time, will improve the likes across the entire album. Suddenly, you look so popular!

Been waiting to tag this piccie since 2009!

Been waiting to tag this piccie since 2009!

ADVICE: There is a time window, don’t miss it. You’ll know.

Sporadic Likes

Uploading two or three versions of the same picture at once, leaving people to like seperate versions of the same photo, therefore dispersing your likes.

The most common mistake is uploading a picture, and then setting it as a profile picture later on. Once the picture has been uploaded, people will like it. If you set it as your profile piccie, the people that will have liked it already have, leaving you with a distressing lack of likes on the profile pictures.

ADVICE: Speed, and prioritizing. If it’s going to be a profile piccie, do it fast and immediately delete the tagged photo off the news feed.

So much effort for two likes and a sympathy comment. Isobel is pretty fit though.

So much effort for two likes and a sympathy comment. Isobel is pretty fit though.

InstaSex

You like a photo of someone you fancy, they return the favour. Without being too crude, you’ve shagged. This continues into a relationship whereby you continue doing so, although nothing will ever be said to each other.

ADVICE: Use AdBlocker on Google Chrome for protection. You don’t know where their profiles have been.

Just waiting for her to like mine back...come onnnn

Just waiting for her to like mine back…come onnnn

Dishing Out Likes

In a credit crunch we cant be doing this often. It pretty much goes by the same notion of ”treat ’em mean, keep ’em keen”.

ADVICE:
Save likes for comments that are hilarious or abusive.
Comments MUST BE WITTY.
Shares MUST BE ASTRONOMICALLY FABULOUS.

I'm not going to like this photo, so she is practically my girlfriend. #HardToGet

I’m not going to like this photo, so she is practically my girlfriend. #HardToGet

Getting Noticed By Your Crush Without Appearing as a Stalker..Even Though You Definitely Are.

See something he/she has posted? Post quickly! He/she will be refreshing the page like no tomorrow to check likes, be there!

ADVICE: Status’ must be witty, and ready to go. Try not to be abusive. Pictures must be brilliant, and well prepared. Works for Twitter/Instagram too.

Probably shouldn't have made a blonde joke about her... #TreatEmMean

Probably shouldn’t have made a blonde joke about her… #TreatEmMean

Get Followers

I don’t know how. I don’t think anyone does. Looks cool though.

ADVICE: None. Don’t even know how to follow someone else.

Clueless

Clueless

Status’

Clever, funny, informative, or all three. Never anything else. EVER!

ADVICE: Leave the emotions for somewhere else, and don’t hashtag.

See? No hashtags.

See? No hashtags.

Timing

The foundation of everything that you’ve read. Timing is crucial. It’s very subjective, but as a generic rule:

1) TOP TIME: MON – FRI 7pm-9pm
2) Avoid Weekends
3) Late night/Early mornings