RUMS Men’s Hockey to win the only medics Varsity event?
UCL medics (RUMS) will take on King’s medics (GKT) in the first ever Medics Hockey London Varsity on Monday March 10th.
Both medic sides compete in second tier leagues of BUCS South Eastern, RUMS 1st team in 2A and GKT 1st team in 2B. Both have won their Quarter Finals fixtures in the BUCS Cup, and will fight for a place in the Finals against each other in the Semi Final on March 12th.
RUMS have been playing stronger teams for the entire season in LUSL Premiership, whilst GKT compete in LUSL Division 1.
However, in the intense LUSL Cup Quarter Finals against GKT a month ago, RUMS lost 2-1. All hopes of LUSL Cup championship were destroyed, but it provided a spine-tingling preview of what the Varsity grudge match will look like.
Get to know the only men’s medics competing in this year’s London Varsity Series, and keep your eyes on the Tab for a preview of RUMS Women’s Hockey.
Harry Bamber, Goal Keeper
Hailing from Norfolk, this gentle giant is happiest with binoculars in hand and a bird-watching guide by his side, but unfortunately was chased out of his home county by a horde of twitchers who mistook the gangly teenager for the rare migratory Mulier Rapientem. He apparently also used to play hockey for Harleston Magpies.
Strengths: Sowing discord amongst the ranks, breaking hearts, saving own goals, height (6’11”).
Fun fact: Bamber has taken to mocking the smaller members of the team by dressing up in period clothing and running around the changing rooms waving a Union Jack and shouting, “I hereby claim this land of the tiny people in the name of King James”.
Harry Goss, Defender
When not in the gym or carving spoons, you will find Harry with his hands on a stick attempting shinty.
This man is a stalwart of RUMS Hockey and is our guiding light in the back four. In keeping with other members of the Defenders Guild, he has never let personal crises upset his game. In fact, not only has he been stopping goals, he has been scoring them with no little flair and finesse.
He is in the running for the Golden Stick award – GKT beware. The new and improved Harry Goss is now as dangerous as inviting your mum round for an evening of chat-roulette.
Strength: The long barrier tackling technique. If his stick isn’t in the way, his body certainly will be.
Fun Fact: Harry doesn’t get ass strain when doing sprints up Primrose Hill because he is a well-conditioned lad.
Will Southall, Defender
Having grown up playing for Victoria College and Jersey, young Will announced his arrival in London by claiming victory at RUMS HC’s “fresher comedy club” competition with his routine of one-liners.
He has been a rock at the heart of the RUMS defence ever since, even managing to play through considerable personal emotional turmoil. Whilst things looked shaky for a while, a support group was set up and now the RUMS back line is harmonious once more.
Strengths: Comedy routine, low centre of gravity, ability to play international forwards out of the game
Fun fact: Will’s other passion is the clarinet. However he can’t afford a clarinet so occasionally paints various vegetables black to practice with.
Adam Blackstock, Defender
Once highlighted as “one to watch” at Sir William Borlase’s school, Adam spent several years in the hockey wilderness at Cambridge, opting to play squash and schweff instead.
“Despite being such a BNOC, I knew something was missing in my life whilst I was there” says Adam. “Although at first I was unsure if RUMS hockey was cool enough for me, when I heard there were mixed socials, I was in”.
Strength: A genetic predisposition for pectoral hypertrophy.
Fun fact: Adam keeps a diary of which hand he examines and lifts patients with, preventing unequal use, and therefore maintaining symmetrical vascularity of the arms.
Seb Helliar/Hellier/HellYeh, Defender
One of only two finalists in the team, Seb made the transition from Devonshire country bumpkin to RUMS Fresher of the Year following some guidance and TLC from Ollie Cook.
Seb, having previously led the 1s and UH sides, established himself as stalwart at the back of the team for 6 years, overseeing many victories against GKT. Although a recent knee injury (conversion disorder) and a winter training camp in Samoa have limited his performances on and off the pitch, he returns in peak physical condition…for the boat race.
Strengths: Stick blocking and passes so devilishly disguised that he is unaware of their destination. And speed of pint (inversely proportional to detrusor muscle control).
Fun facts: Seb’s early modelling days are well recognised within RUMSHC, but perhaps his crowing moment was an, all be it brief, appearance on the modestly famous tumblr – lesbians who look like Justin Bieber.
Sam Price, Midfielder
Originally hailing from Guildford, this humble man took to hockey at a very young age, skinning people in both infant and primary schools.
Having then opened his own hockey academy for the gifted and talented, Sam took a step back from his daily keepy-up routines and considered what hockey could do for mankind. His current aim is to set up a new academy for the blind once he is established as a practising doctor with the GMC.
Strengths: Eat, sleep, turn weak, stick block, lose ball and repeat.
Fun Facts: He can open beer bottles with his eyelids. Tottenham Court Road once dared to insult his hockey ability and ended up being headbutted.
Chris Bu (Captain), Midfielder
El Capitano and leader of minds, “Bu” emerged from the depths of the Monmouthshire Welsh valleys with skateboard in one arm and hockey stick in the other. Increasingly disillusioned at what the streets of London had to offer however, he found solace in the warm embrace of The Huntley and has never looked back.
Priding himself in being at one with stick and ball, his “mindful” approach has been well received through the ranks. Just as likely to engage his team in meditative practices as he is to schedule an after-hours tactics session, the harmonious and self-knowing style of RUMS play is attributed to Chris. With the battle won in the mind before strides have even been made onto the pitch, the GKT XI needn’t necessarily leave the dressing room.
Skills Extreme mindfulness: Achieving mindfulness at high speeds
Fun fact: Chris enjoys life drawing in his spare time. “I gain much inspiration from portraying the hues of the female body. This helps with my formational tactics on the field.”
Jonathan Dutton, Midfielder
Brewed in the hallowed taverns of Manchester, this fiery character does not take “loss” as an answer. Progressing through the ranks of divisional hockey in the North, his guest appearances for the RUMS faithful is met with both appreciation and dread.
Never knowing from which side of the bed he has awoken, it is generally best to let him muster around the “D” before and after games letting off steam and practising trademark loopy drag flicks. Keeping this beast under wraps will be GKT’s only option, let him spread his wings and they’ll sooner be picked off like lambs.
Strength: Special attack #dragflickbreaksnets
Fun fact: JD’s girlfriend talking about his oldschool wooden Malik stick, “It’s so old and has so many splinters. He brings it into bed every night and makes me cuddle up with it. I daren’t complain.”
Jonathan Lui, Defender
Some say this gentle warrior never learnt to play the sport. He merely opened his eyes one frosty January morning as a 9 year old boy to find out that he had been playing hockey in his sleep for several years and had won a sponsorship deal with Reebok as a result. When Lui discovered that his waking self could add to his hockey, he soon developed the manual of hockey skills that he embodies to this day every week on the pitch.
Skills: Lui Favours the Left-Right-Left drag feint, but often jokes that this skill is far too similar to the Left-Right-Right Reverse-Left Monoput.
Fun Fact: Sometimes Lui likes to experiment with different friends’ contact lenses to work specifically on honing different depths of his visual field.
Hamish Miller, Forward
After finally winning the court battle granting his asylum in the UK and managing to file the superinjunction preventing details of his funnybone removal to reach the public, Mish has become a “life coach”.
On the pitch Mish commands a dominant presence with his size and strength, an attribute which has earnt him considerable respect within the bodybuilding community.
A lucklustre scoring record this season has often seen Mish look despondent and alienated. Bookmakers are currently offering 5/4 for him to fail to find the net in Varsity this year. One thing is for sure – you can never write this hulk off.
Favourite Skill: The Lob Wedge into the D.
Fun Fact: He can score goals whilst walking on his hands.
James Buxton, Forward
The other old dog in the team is finalist James Buxton. This young and well spoken Wimbledon lad overcame a fear of pint glasses sometime during his first year and hasn’t looked back.
2014 is James’ last chance to secure the coveted golden stick award and after missing much of the season through LTR commitments he is hungry for goals. Having played alongside many of the GKT boys for the United Hospitals team he will know which buttons to push to unlock their defence.
Strengths: Hitting the ball bloody hard. Enraging the opposition defence with “witty banter”.
Fun fact: James can bench press 125% of his bodyweight. Impressive, but apparently not enough to get out from under the thumb.
Alexander Maidwell-Smith, Defender
Heralding from Cornwall, a county notorious for pasties, surfing, stunning views and of course hockey-playing medical students. It was natural that he would become a skillfull player.
In Truro he earned the nickname “Wee Alex” or “Waal” for short – this shows his playing style – small and nimble but feisty. Measurer Madwell as he is affectionately known, has been plagued with injury this season due to the under-sequestered lunar cycles of 2014 (very superstitious).
Strength: Speed to Weight Ratio
Fun Fact: Alex is a keen runner and has completed various marathons and has an “ultra maathon” lined up for the summer.
Chris To (President), Defender
The former swimmer first emerged from the water to step onto the swamplands of Barnes to wield a stick in his fresher year. Predictably perhaps, this was not the smoothest of transitions for the fish out of water. Years later, having played in every position on the pitch and every team in RUMS Hockey, To’s finally managed to settle in defence. However, To’s disorientation is still evident by his occasional interceptions in the opponent’s D that prevent his own team from scoring goals.
Strength: The ability to confuse the opposition, his own team and even himself on the pitch.
Fun fact: To’s body was not designed to stand upright. In order to deal with the immense gravitational forces placed on his body, his thighs have had to grow to the size of a keeper’s leg pad just to stop him from falling over.
Alex Hunter, Defender
“My name is Alex Hunter. I learnt how to play hockey on grass, grass on the wicket so they say. I am a sort of Defender. We will beat GKT and leave them crying.”
Top Tip: If you are gonna treat a lady right don’t take her to no Nandos, nor Macdonalds. Take her somewhere nice like Zizzi. Get a nice table for two by the wood burning oven. Pollo con pesto for the lady… spicy sausage penne for the man.
Kane Hartland, Forward
Originally a Reading youth player, who left when he got too small for a big club and so went back to somewhere small to make himself feel important.
Special Skill: Scoring goals without any of the build up work, just taking the glory and hat-trick avoidance.
Fun Fact: Kane is widely known to be better at female dominant sports such as Netball.
Simon Westby, Midfielder
Sojourned in both school and club hockey before bursting onto the university scene with a flurry of… an assist.
Strength: Simon is in possession of voluminous locks that he hopes to one day fashion into a Ming Dynasty pre-Queue hairstyle but he tries not to get too distracted by the vanity that plague him and his newly found plethora of hairbands. On the pitch, he likes to cultivate attacks out on the greener astroturf of the wing harking make to his Norfolkshire roots.
Favourite Skills: The heavy touch, also a favourite while clubbing, and step over are integral parts of a game reared on long grasses.
Fun facts: His name means strong as a rock which is wholly appropriate for his unsurpassable defensive play, whilst a membership to the National Poetry society allows him to analyse the rhythm and metre of the game so that he can carve open the defence in an instant.