I went to see 50 Shades Of Grey with my actual mam

Valentine’s Day sucks when you’re single. It sucks even more when it falls on a weekend.

With all my friends away doing “romantic” stuff with their boyfriends, my mam suggested I came home for the weekend so we could have a girls’ day and go to see 50 Shades of Grey. When I told my friends about what I was doing for the Valentine’s weekend, the first question they asked was: “Has your mam read the books?”

Yes. Yes she has.

In fact, she was the one who told me to read them (she then told me to read 50 Shades of Alice in Wonderland, too. Let’s hope they don’t make a film version of that). I’ve never been comfortable talking about sex, so the thought of discussing the Red Room and all the activities that occur inside of it with my mam just makes me cringe.

Look at the excitement on our faces

I never really thought about how awkward it would be, until I was armed with my popcorn, Tango Ice Blast and sat in my seat in the dark room. There were 27 men there (poor things), and more than 100 women. When the film started, I sank down in my chair and avoided looking at my mam, even when I knew she was glaring at me waiting for a reaction when something raunchy happened.

As the film ended and everyone got up to leave, I was sharp to get out. My mam came swanning out with a massive smile on her face, dying to ask me what I thought. For someone who doesn’t talk about sex with their mam often, for the whole car journey home I was sat rather awkwardly with a bright red face.

Traumatized doesn’t cut it

My contribution to the conversation was pretty PG. How hot Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan) is, how much better the film was compared to the book and how much better Anastasia is in the film. I didn’t know what else to say. But anything would have done, in order to avoid kinky talk with the woman that conceived me. My mam being my mam, however, wanted to talk about the Red Room. Of course.

She actually said: “Now I wouldn’t mind him using the tassels and that gently, but I don’t want to be whipped. And did you see her lady garden?! Bit gutted you didn’t see his bits mind. Phwoar.”

That was enough for me. I was straight in the pub when we got back for a well deserved pint. Or five. Traumatized doesn’t come close. I think I’ll wait for the next one to come out on DVD.