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A foolproof guide to getting a dog in your student house

Yes Alan, we’d like a dog

The dream has been achieved, the milestone reached. Not the family’s sent up to help avoid the dissertation breakdown. No, our very own student dog.

Meet Ruby. An 11-year old, pedigree black lab, who wanted Rahul to win Bake Off and jumps at the chance for Crispy's left overs (are there ever any left overs though?)

Whether you’re rolling in from fruity, or in need of company because the boyfriend’s out for a cheeky one with the supposed ‘lads’, she’s always up for a spoon.

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Way better looking than my other housemates.

So how did we do it? Well, firstly, Alan’s a babe – but obviously not everyone’s Alan is. Instead, here’s the few steps you’ll need to follow to get your very own student dog:

1. Bribe the boss man

Act like you’re moving into halls all over again: time to impress. Bring the beers, maybe write a thanks card, even offer to paint your room so they don’t have to get someone else to.

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Peach or magnolia, Alan?

2. Clean your shit

Those shit stains, the things living on the hob, even under the fridge. Show your landlord that you’re a dream tenet. Just don’t let your mum see; she’s expecting a clean bathroom all Christmas long.

3. Start slow

Once you’re on a texting basis – just don’t get him mixed up with your latest tinder match – mention the idea that you may need to watch a dog for a weekend. Get him used to the idea that dog hair might contribute to the baked beans and vodka on the carpet.

4. Invite Alan round

Not in the same way you’d invite the guy you pulled in sticky feet; we aren’t looking for a sugar daddy here, just a dog. Let Alan come meet the gorgeous pup that’s soon to be your newest housemate. If he’s like ours, he’ll be partial to a doggy spoon too (mind’s out of the gutter, please).

5. Ask the question

No one ever got anything by being silent. Rahul stole the nation’s heart with his one liners. Take inspo and blurt it out. “So, Alan, can our doggy pal stay?”

As you can see, we have quite the relationship.

6. Embrace the dog life

Get used to pattering paws at every hour, and the 5 second rule going out the window. Dog hair recolors the carpet, and dog food runs to Coop are a regular occurrence.

Despite the hair, the benefits are endless. Stressed about the diss: dog hug. Hanging out of your arse: dog hug. Broken kitchen cupboard: dog’s violent tale. It’s a mutually beneficial relationship too. Speaking for herself, Ruby shares her tail of living with students:

“I love living with the gals. I mean, who wouldn’t like an endless stream of belly rubs and treats. The best part of the day: four way catch with my squeaky pig. Everyone eats dinner on their laps, so there’s plenty left on the floor for me. Emily had a sausage bake last week; that WAS a treat. Not such a fan of Chase night though; lots of shouting but no barking allowed.
The time I’m not so fond of my housemates – those late-night arrivals. Screaming and stomping, squealing and snacking. Plus, they always come in discussing ‘fruity’, yet no food ever materializes. A floret of broccoli wouldn’t go a miss”.

There it is, how to persuade your landlord to allow a fluffy addition to join your student house. While you may end up with dog hair in your bed, you’ll have the best pick-up line on Tinder, and the copious amounts of dog poo will distract you from your housemates’ shit stains.