How are you supposed to study Classics as a rape victim?

If you choose to study Classics knowing you have to study rape, is it your own fault if you are ‘triggered’?

Mary Beard’s recent criticism of ‘safe spaces’, and the viewpoint that safe spaces make the study of Classics “dishonest” got me thinking: how on earth are you supposed to study Classics as a rape victim?

Enrolling onto Classics at University aged 19, I of course knew what the syllabus would entail. Sex, rape, murder. I knew that. I was okay with that. I enjoyed studying it. Even a non-classicist is aware of Leda and the Swan. Diana and Apollo. Stories where an innocent women is violated by a god.

Then just before my summer exams in second year, I engaged in a one night stand which turned into sexual assault.

We had consensual sex before I fell asleep. The next thing I remember is being pinned underneath him by my neck and torso, on my back as I cried and pleaded for him to stop. I was bruised on my arms, my legs and my neck. I cried in pain every time I sat down to use the toilet for three days afterwards. I experienced bleeding which was from trauma, so the nurse told me.

I couldn’t actually say the word rape, as I couldn’t even admit what had happened. I must have been wrong. I must have misinterpreted the situation. This couldn’t have happened to me. All these thoughts, that I now deem to be ridiculous, ran wild through my head. I blindly sat my exams, my brain on autopilot, before leaving for the summer to come to terms with what had happened.

The real challenge, I felt, came in third year. There was a distinct lack of variety in the modules and I opted for what I thought would be an interesting module about modern literary interpretations of Classics. I didn’t know that in this module, throughout lectures and seminars, we would be required to compare short stories about rape. It was a common theme throughout Classical Literature, I had always known that for as long as I had studied Classics.

It was a concerning subject but it never deeply affected me as it did in my final year. Simply the word “rape” made me tune out entirely. I was like a tortoise, withdrawing back in to my shell, shutting my brain off until it was safe to tune back in again. I felt smothered by denial and shame, I became a blank expression listening to the loud fuzz of white noise. It wasn’t self-pity or infantilism, as Stephen Fry jibed in his interview with David Ruben about sexual assault victims.

It was as if I was mentally incapable of processing anything to do with this subject.

I have recently followed the debate of so-called safe spaces, in particular Professor Mary Beard’s view in relation to Classics. She and her followers deem them impossible to put in place, and even silly when it comes to Classics. The entire subject is pretty much incest, rape and murder after all. I understand that viewpoint, I do. But it saddens me that there is almost this stance of “well you know what Classics entails: if it bothers you, you shouldn’t study it”. I felt that I was letting the sexual assault shape my whole future. I was letting the rapist ruin my university career.

I don’t have an answer. I simply have an experience to share. I loved Classics, but it was the cavalier attitude of my peers and lecturers towards rape which made the experience more difficult. I sat in a one to one tuition as my lecturer and I went over a rape attempt based upon Ovid’s tale of Apollo and Daphne. My lecturer laughed about the “rapey” tone of the poem. I visibly winced and went quiet, quite without meaning to, and when I confided in him about what had happened to me just months before, I saw a flash of panic in his eyes. He apologised profusely for his previous statement.

I didn’t mean to make him feel bad, I just meant for him to understand. Like I said, I didn’t want a ‘safe space’, I just wanted the sensitive subject to be handled sensitively. I don’t think ‘safe spaces’ are necessarily the answer, but I think approaching subjects like rape and violence in classics with a more sensitive attitude is a good start.