Analysing LUU’s ‘Definitive Guide to Leeds Freshers’

Poor LUU – they really do try their hardest. It just doesn’t always work out well.

This week they decided to dispense some advice to new freshers in the form of some alphabet-acrostic type thing. The problem is, the listicle they came up with wasn’t exactly great.

Being the helpful chaps that we are, we thought we’d run you through exactly what went wrong. It’s easier than just giving you a link, isn’t it?

A is for… All about YOU

Remember that song, “All About You”, by McFly? Know how utterly grating it became? Now, try to recreate that feeling. Hold that. Keep it. Now accept that that feeling is what you’ll be feeling for another whole 25 letters.

B is for… Big Nights Out

Big nights out. Big. Nights. Out.  This is probably the section for all you UNILADs out there, just dishing out top banter and smashing it on the reg. What Yes, saying big nights out in this way is awfully uncool, but that isn’t the problem here – this isn’t even a big night out! You’re luring me into the Union!

Call it a hilarious, call it tragic, call it shit – hell, even call it boozy. Just not big. Never big. (I will withdraw this comment if it turns out this was a genuine comment on scale and attendance levels at Union nights. But it’s not. It’s a charade in the union where they hand out fucking flavoured water.)

C is for… CATS

Cards and Ticket Shop? Where even is this? Pics or didn’t happen.

D is for… Day Trips

Where could you go? Anywhere! When can you go? Anytime! Where would you like to be? Anywhere but here. As long as it’s away from this list.

E is for…Eating

You know what I think? I think that, while writing, the clever authors were almost all out of zany ideas by the fifth letter -thus they added something essential to survival to the list.

This isn’t about surviving Freshers, or your first week of lectures, or your first deadline. This is about genuine, biological survival. You can’t not eat you nitwits. This is tripe and you definitely know it. Go for ‘eateries’ instead – yes it sounds weird, but it’s better than sounding stupid.

F is for… Freshers’ Fair

Perhaps the only bearable letter-based suggestion in this whole affair, but probably not for same reasons. It’s not about discovering new hobbies, that’s lame. It’s about free stuff. Free things are the best things.

G is for… Gear

“You’re part of Leeds Uni now, so why not let everyone know?” From hoodies to mugs, they all shop here! Don’t be a dick, don’t buy this ‘gear’. Please. This use of gear, and the people who probably say it, evokes the same effects as a Top Gear lover saying how much they love Top Gear, and how it’s such a shame Jeremy isn’t on BBC any more, and how they signed a petition for him to retain his position as eternal banter God of all things vehicular. You can probably buy Top Gear gear in Gear as well, so you’re all geared up for when you hit Freshers’.

H is for… Halls

As in, H is for H-aving to be in halls because I’m in first year. This is just another essential aspect of the first year of university/life in general that you’ve tried to make it a special idea that you thunked up all on your own. That’s the journalistic equivalent of trying to get praise for remembering to eat and go to the toilet.

I is for… Ideas

Clearly you had none.

J is for… Joblink

Need a job? Write for Leeds Freshers Tumblr! No previous experience necessary, just make sure you’re the sort of person who tries to take group photos at every, single, waking, fucking moment. They don’t even want to be in your group old chap, never mind the photos.

K is for… Karaoke

No, it’s not a cover version, everyone, it’s a rubbish version. Look, I don’t want to hear you sing. Nobody does. That’s not me being a grump; you don’t want to hear me sing either. It works both ways.

Just sit down with a drink and entertain yourself in the myriad of ways available in social environments. Unless you’re actually good at singing, like, verifiably good (you’re not), please let’s just save the energy. You don’t want to keep getting hit by glasses, and by God it does become tedious throwing them.

L is for… Love Leeds Charity Shop

Charity is a good thing. So yes, go ahead, please do donate, and do swap your items. I can’t moan about good deeds. I can only dispute their intent, as in, you’d give twice as much if that girl you’re never gonna talk to was watching. But it’s still a positive thing. One point to LDS FRSHRS OMG TMBLR.

M is for… Music

What’s music? Sounds cool though, where can I get one?

“You can find your jam as the Union” Do you have Burdock and Wild Ginger conserve? I want Burdock and Wild Ginger specifically. That’s my jam, Burdock and Wild Ginger conserve. Don’t let me discover you’ve been lying to me, dubious voice of all Leeds Freshers.

N is for… Nightbus

These take forever, are boring, and probably don’t exist. You’re all Southern anyway, so you’re more of a Hackney Carriage sort, aren’t ya? Get an Uber – we might as well get good use out of them before they fuck us all over when they have a monopoly.

O is for… Official Fresher’ Arrival Party

This was meant to be a charitable service. You, team, were meant to be providing expert and sound advice in an honest fashion. Instead, you’re shamelessly plugging your own money-making schemes. Give them choices, not answers. They’re freshers, after all, and it’s “all about them!”

P is for… Postgrads

Rhyming with PostLAD is not a coincidence. No seriously, rather than play the “they are all creepy weirdos” card, I’ll be honest. They’re grown ups, and they probably don’t want anything to do with you. They’re at uni for work stuff now, not because “everyone goes so…”. Let’s not patronise them with advice, or give the little’uns tips to ruin their days.

Q is for… Questions

Why do you do these things? Why is it wholly egregious? What is the point? When was this a good idea? Who do you think I think I am? How else can I demonstrate the questions you asked for? Any other queries, do consult the front desk in the Union.

R is for… Ready to Set Off?

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S is for… Savings

Any I had I’ve just spent on anything within a half mile radius that might make these more bearable, or rather, less unbearable, and ultimately, may make me forget the whole thing ever happened.

T is for… Terrace

To be fair, everyone loves the Terrace. Even me.  We just shouldn’t have to wait until T to get a good idea. And even then, it’s not that innovative.

Do try harder. And before you accuse me of just approving the cool ones, or, rather, the ones that serve alcohol, that’s not the reason. It’s just the only sort of alright one thus far. It’s not all bad I guess. Plus I’m still sceptical; they picked out salsa night as a flagship of sorts for Terrace goers. Nobody even knew this ran. Just use a pub like a normal person, don’t waltz around on your high horse because you have some shitty dance steps booked into your potential Freshers’ calendar.

U is for…Understanding

No you’re right, I’m not particularly understanding. Or accommodating. (See, there’s an A.)

V is for… Varsity

Everyone loves a rivalry. Honestly, because it’s exciting. We all like to belong to something. Inclusion is a huge thing for everyone psychologically. However, the way you describe things is really making me want to be alone. V-ery, v-ery alone. And nowhere near Varsity. You’re ruining things that haven’t even happened yet that I normally enjoy. Great, thanks. V isn’t for victory, or even virgins this time. It’s for vuck this.

W is for…Worries

Does my resentment worry you? It worries me. And my parents. They’re very concerned.

X is for… Xtra Fun

Nurrrr. Ggggghhhh. Ayyyy. Lexically speaking, you’ve had an absolute nightmare here, and if I were you, I’d try and make amends while you still can. At least you admitted that you struggled to find a word suitable that started with an X. The first step is acceptance of the problem. So here, a helping hand:

Xylophones – Freshers would be more fun if a constant soundtrack was provided on one of these.
Xenagogue – n:/ A guide; one trying to assist and direct others. What you are trying to do; literally you. It was there the whole time.
Xyster – A surgeon’s tool for specifically scraping bones. I wish I had one in reach right now to use on myself.
Xanax – This would also do.

Y is for… Yorkshire

And G is probably for a Geography degree, you smart alecks.

Z is for… Zzzzz

Get some sleep. You must be exhausted after getting through the alphabet all by yourself. I was finding it very daunting by about F. Sleep is important though. Make sure you stay stocked up. Oh, and stay in school kids.