Please don’t be my Valentine: A loner’s guide to Valentine’s Day

 All your mates are planning to take their date anywhere that will will guarantee a second/third/fourth date/lifetime of booty calls.

But if, like me, you feel like the only person left in Leeds who’s been dodging Cupid’s poorly aimed arrow, follow my foolproof (and not at all biased, bitter or cynical) guide to masterly getting through Valentine’s Day. 

1. Think about your loved one

Think about them a lot. Think about them all the time. Think about them in the shower. Think about them when your microwaving your leftover lasagne from two days ago.

Think about them when your bumbling through the Sainsbury’s self-service checkouts.

Scrawl down their names when you think about them, progress from notebooks to the walls to your body until you end up like the protagonist from Memento. Never let your dearest escape your thoughts.

If you believe in mind over matter – the longer you can keep them in your head the more likely they are to remember your name. 

 2. Don’t Get ‘Fruity’ in Fruity.

 What every lonesome student wants is to follow in the footsteps of the infamous couple who were caught last week getting ‘fruity’ on the Union club night’s dance floor.

For most normal anti-lotharios, the best way to avoid this is to be completely and relentlessly unattractive. Always remember to break into previously prepared dance moves reminiscent to that infamous ‘lemon’ scene from Wolf of Wall Street, while making eyes at said intended lover.

Proceed to get visibly nervous whenever eye contact is made. This is then your queue to shuffle away to the bar and heave a sigh of relief, safe in the knowledge that you are single and not quite ready yet to mingle.

3. Meticulously Stalk your Loved one on all forms of social media.

 This needs little explanation.

 Nothing says ‘I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND LOVE ME LOVE ME LOVE ME’ quite like 40 likes on their old sixth form Facebook photos and 32 conversational retweets.

Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, Pinterest, Tumblr; whatever, get your stalk on. Trust me.

 4. Scoff at successful relationships.

 Lovers holding hands, giggling, picnicking, eating bits of spaghetti and kissing at the end of it and blah blah blah, basically people being *SO IN LOVE LOL* will be all around this Valentine’s Day.

Take this as your cue to piteously laugh and stare down your bleakly-tinted glasses from your high horse of isolation.

Maybe even shout “Get a room” if you feel brave. Just remember to let people know that if you can’t be in a relationship, neither can anyone else.

 5. Resort to Tinder.

 Where your outwards social awkwardness and dodgy chat up lines have previously failed you, everyone’s favourite dating app Tinder, could be your holy grail.

It’s the desperate student’s make or break moment. This is your one opportunity to judge potential bachelors based purely on appearances and mutual likes! Imagine that!

Judging people based solely on how hot they are in pictures? God! This is ground breaking stuff and not at all like real life.

So, just keep swiping left and watch the matches disappear into the vast relentless social dating atmosphere.

 5. Wallow in Your Own Self Pity.

 When all else has failed, and you find yourself alone (woe, woe woe!), why not treat yourself to the night of single freedom that you always craved for/consistently have every Friday night.

Invest in a bottle of wine (or three) and maybe some shots too, why not a bottle of Russian Standard?

And maybe if you listen very closely to that inevitable new album of seasonal James Blunt love remixes, you might even be able to hear very faint tears of isolation and the repetitive pang of loneliness while you cry yourself to sleep…

 Have a bitter Valentines day everyone!