A comprehensive manual on becoming an EX4 basic betch
According to Wikipedia, the “basic bitch” is a slang term used to pejoratively describe girls who like mainstream culture or products. In America this normally applies to girls who drink pumpkin spiced lattes from Starbucks and listen to One Direction. Here at Exeter, the basic bitch takes on a whole new meaning. She’s mainstream but just a little bit edgy, she’s popular but just a little bit nerdy – she’s as posh as the cast of Made in Chelsea but she parties like she’s on Geordie Shore.
There’s no denying the basic bitch is the queen of Exeter, but fear not, she does not sit isolated on her throne at the top of Forum hill. There are hundreds of girls like her, and you can be one too. All you have to do is follow our simple, but rigorous, basics of being basic.
Live in Surrey, Kent or any other home county surrounding London but do not, under any circumstances, actually live in London. This will make you too edgy and too urban for true basic-ness. If you live north of the wall (and by the “wall”, we mean Hertfordshire), you may as well give up now.
In your holidays, work in Hollister, Abercrombie or any other store that hires its workers based on their looks. If you’re not quite attractive enough, you could just never get a job, and get your graduate placement through Daddy’s contacts. Either option is equally basic.
Drive a Mini in cream or navy blue, or if you want to save a bit of dollar get a Fiat 500 in cream or mint. If you haven’t yet passed your driving test, you could always find a rich boyfriend to drive you everywhere.
Study one of the following acceptable basic subjects:
- Geography (basics love to colour in)
- History (basics love chatting about pointless shit)
- Economics/Business & Management/Accounting & Finance/Any one of those boring money-based subjects that rich people do so they can get richer
Call everyone bae, even if you fucking hate them. We all know bae stands for basic as ever. Make sure you say “literally” when you actually mean “metaphorically”. For example, “OMG I LITERALLY died last night!!!!” Same applies for using “basically” when you mean “I’m going to tell you a really long story so get ready”.
Don’t do anything fun unless you’re putting it on Snapchat. Your story should be at least 100 seconds, including pictures of food and/or pets and club videos. Remember, this is what everyone wants to see, so give the people what they want.
Post selfies with your friends on Instagram captioned ‘With this one’, ‘Best night ever’ or ‘Me and bae’ – of course don’t forget the emojis of dancing girls and different coloured hearts.
Never send a text without an emoji. How else would you convey emotion?
Make sure you’re hot as fuck. We know not everyone was blessed with dazzling good looks (although let’s be realistic, you’re at Exeter, so you probably are) but there are definitely ways you can get yourself up to an acceptable basic level. Begin by plastering the most expensive foundation you can find all over your face, get yourself an Urban Decay naked palette and make sure no one ever, ever sees you makeup free. You’ll end up blowing your cover.
Purchase one of the following: Nike Air Maxes, New Balances, or Adidas Originals. You know what they say, you can always judge a girl by her shoes, and these trainers just scream basic bitch. Which is exactly what you want.
Play a sport and wear the stash everywhere you go. Preferable options are Netball and Lacrosse (Lacrosse stick optional).
Get a MacBook to show everyone else in the library that you, too, are rich. Added bonus if you get an iPad and use them both at the same time.
Get a YoungOnes jumper, phone case or snapback. Lord knows you ain’t Exetah if you ain’t a young one.
On nights out, appropriate attire consists of crop tops from either Topshop or Urban Outfitters (New Look is for paupers), Calvin Klein bralettes (if you’re hoping to get laid), black jeans (preferably ripped) and, of course, your trusty pair of basic trainers. Complete the look with a denim jacket or a hoody tied around your waist to show you’re too hot from all that raving you’ve been doing. You’ll probably end up wearing the exact same thing as 10 other girls in the club, but take that as a sign of achieving true basic-ness. If you want to wear a dress and heels, the basic life is just not for you.
If you’re going to go out, make it Moz on a Monday or Thursday – get in through the guest list because queuing is for plebs. Alternatively, you can go to Cavern, Cellar Door or Phoenix if it’s a special occasion. You have to get proof that you’ve been there so that all the other basics know what’s up, so wear glitter on your face and make sure the photographer gets a picture of you looking well hipster and clutching a bottle of water. If you don’t look wasted on camera, it didn’t happen.
You’ve got to listen to the right music. That means Taylor Swift, so you can bond with your fellow bitches in club toilet cubicles, and house music, so you can get down ‘n’ dirty with all the basic boiz.
If you can fulfil all of these basic requirements, congratulations. You are officially a basic Exetah bitch. Now get your bralette on, get your drink on, and I’ll see you in the Phoenix loos.