Here’s what your choice in food after a night out says about you

Picture the scene: you’ve stumbled out of whatever nightclub into the freezing streets of Edinburgh (which if you’ve truly had a good night you’ll be numb to by this point), and there’s only one thing on your mind- food.

However, Edinburgh is no typical university city. No, you can’t simply rock up at your 24 hour McDonalds. In Edinburgh the food options stop at 3am.

I, like many Edinburgh students, was not aware of Edinburgh’s shocking post-night out food scene before I came. Would this knowledge have affected my decision to apply? Honestly, I’m not sure.

This dire situation can be hard to stomach (no pun intended), I cannot describe the envy I felt when I found out Newcastle has a 24-hour Greggs. Regardless, us students find a way.

People have to get strategic and creative when it comes to late night cravings, and which food you go for can tell a lot about you.

McDonald’s

 If McDonald’s is your go to choice after a night out, I hate to say it but you’re a little basic.

I’m not denying it’s good, but you clearly have not explored Edinburgh’s late night food scene too extensively (not that there’s much to discover).

Alas, your lack of creativity will come back to bite you when you’re order number 900 and you realise they’ve only just called out 820.

If you are trekking to the 24-hour McDonald’s however, it is a different story. You decided at the start of the night that you were ending it with a mozzarella dipper in your hand, and you will stop at nothing to fulfil this dream, even if it means travelling to technically outside of Edinburgh. I have to admire the determination.

Yum Yum

You’re into the classics: a kebab shop after a night out. What more could you want?

Maybe for it to be open past 3am, but that really is too much to ask in Edinburgh…

What’s really telling is what you order at Yum Yum. If the answer is a deep fried mars bar, you are either Scottish, or you’re English and trying to pretend that Edinburgh (a place dominated by English students) has made you any more Scottish at all.

You probably skip out on wearing a coat at home, claiming you’re too used to Scotland to wear layers in the warm Southern weather, when really you’re freezing but just desperately want a personality.

Okay, but what about pizza

Getting pizza after a night out does not tell me very much about you, it is where you get it from that really shows what type of person you are:

Domino’s

You are definitely a fresher, I refuse to believe you are not in first year if you go to Domino’s.

Because there is only one reason why you would choose an overpriced pizza chain that most likely closes at 11pm as your post night out meal of choice, and that is a voucher.

You have probably been bombarded every day of your Freshers’ Week with different deals for Dominos, so after going into your overdraft in Big Cheese (due to too many VKs) a nice deal seems quite appealing.

All I can say is I don’t know how you’re not sick of it, because we all know your diet in Freshers’ Week consisted of the free Domino’s pizza slices every day.

Palmyra

Now this is a sign of a more experienced Edinburgh student.

Tasty pizza, good prices, and open until 2:15 am on Fridays and Saturdays, which sadly is pretty good for Edinburgh.

However, this is not a casual fondness, you are ride or die for Palmyra.

In some cases agreeing to go out hinges on your friend’s promise that you will end the night in Palmyra. If this is your chosen spot, you may be one of the few who actually has a positive outlook on the late night Edinburgh food scene.

Bar Napoli

I hate to say it, but if you’re in Bar Napoli after the club you are almost definitely a yah.

You would not be caught dead in a kebab shop such as Yum Yum. No. Post night out food for some reason requires a sit down meal for you. If Bar Napoli is your go-to, your standards may be a little too high.

Then again maybe I’ve judged you wrong, maybe Bar Napoli is the main event of the night for you, and Gari’s is simply a pres. If this is the case, I sincerely apologise.

Burrito and shake

Well I can’t say you haven’t explored Edinburgh’s late night food, but is this really the best you’ve found?

Don’t get me wrong, it ticks many boxes – open until 3am, good drunk food, relatively cheap. But still, if this is your go-to, I don’t trust you.

A Tesco meal deal

If you are tucking into a meal deal after a night out you have either headed home extremely prematurely, or have stayed out long enough to run into people on their morning jogs.

Either way I like the way you think. Why spend money on a kebab when you could get an array of items (including a drink) for a lower price.

Nothing will make you feel better about going into your overdraft, courtesy of Gari’s specials, than saving 50p on your Tesco meal deal with a Clubcard.

Petrol station food

If you’re stopping off at a petrol station to get your late night snack you have lived in Edinburgh long enough to know these are the only places that sell food 24 hours a day.

So no one can say you’re inexperienced, but boy are you desperate. Let’s be real, no one’s drunk craving is a petrol station sausage roll.

Your own kitchen

If you are the one to shut everyone down when they spot a kebab shop on the way back, because “we can just make something at home”, you are officially the mum friend.

Sure in the sober light of day everyone can recognise that making cheesy chips at home is both inexpensive and not very difficult. However, on a drunk walk back from the club, to resist the temptation to just buy a kebab is honestly quite responsible.

You’ll definitely save on money, but one day you will become the parent who replies to their children’s pleas to go to McDonald’s with a sigh as you say “there’s food at home”.

Disclaimer: you only retain this responsible mum friend status if you do not burn your kitchen down due to passing out right after popping your cheesy chips in the oven.

Recommended related articles by this writer:

• Mexi-can or Mexi-can’t: We made our own haggis burritos at Bonnie Burrito

• We tested out the Wagamama study benches to see what the deal is

• I ate Too Good To Go for a week and here’s what I found out