A scientific explanation of what your favourite VK flavour says about you
If you drink orange ones, you’ve got your shit together.
While there’s no room for argument that no student night is complete without a VK (or ten), heated debate still remains over which flavour is the best to go for.
Since they all pretty much taste the same, the flavour you back happens to say more about yourself than the drink:
Green: The Fuckboy
After little success on the pull, because you still haven’t worked out that coming in crotch first is neither subtle nor okay, you can often be found going for Plan B: in the corner with a green VK in one hand, and your Snapchat open in the other, sending “u up? x” to anyone with more than a four-day streak.
When it comes down to it, you like the green VK because it can almost be mistaken for a beer bottle, and no one can question your masculinity when you’re drinking beer. Your VK habits are as fake as your pre-hook up sincerity.
Gender stereotypes aside, anyone prepared to flake out on their friends for the sake of a hook up is also a certified green VK drinker.
Yellow: The Basic Bitch/ Lad
This person is most often seen tugging on the photographer’s arm with a group of embarrassed friends in tow. After all, if there’s no club photos, or a 20 minute Snapchat story video panning over your dance circle, did the night even happen?
Cut to a few hours later and everyone’s clothes will be stained with yellow VK, for one of only two possible reasons:
Option one: Collateral damage, as a girl finally loses the battle with her heels, tumbling backwards through a sea of judgmental bystanders.
Option two: More terrifyingly, a bouncing scrum of rugby lads innocently forgetting they’re at least 6’’2 and 16 stone, will spray everyone in the immediate vicinity, while knocking them all half way across the room.
Bonus points to any lad who refuses to drink a VK without a straw. Look at that strawpedo go. You fucking legend.
Orange – The One Who Has Their Shit Together
Dependable, inoffensive, the common denominator; orange VKs and their orange VK drinkers are the ultimate sesh alphas.
You’re a firm believer in ‘no man gets left behind’ – both when pulling the squad together for pres, and pulling their heads out the gutter at 4am to fall out to the nearest chip shop. Let’s face it, without you in the lead, they wouldn’t function – not least because you’re the only one with numbers for every cab company in town, and always know the club that ‘everyone’s gonna be at’ on any given night.
Even when you can be counted on to be the first one drinking, you’re still always the last man standing. Any night out with you is going to be class, and everyone knows it. Go on and shout us another round of orange VKs, you beautiful son of a bitch.
Red: The Ket-dabbler
Given we all know that red VK tastes like medicine given to children, it takes someone who’s all about recreational meds to intentionally choose it over the other, objectively better flavours. Just roll with me on this one.
The point is, no matter where you are for the night, two things are for sure: there will always be a much edgier, underground event your mate’s running that you’d rather be at, and your bucket hat will remain socially unacceptable until next festival season no matter how hard you try.
At least you don’t complain about the charts music being superficial and consumerist when you’re off your face.
Blue: The Child
If you’re a blue VK drinker, you might enjoy the new freedoms of clubbing but you can’t quite let go of the nights spent chugging WKD to see if you vom blue. You did then, and you still do now – except now it’s all over a sweaty, crowded room instead of the local park
Dark Red: The Ghost
You’re the flatmate no one ever sees past move in day. You’re the course mate who only appears in the exam hall. Do you even go here?
You’re the centre of rumours and speculation – there’s a theory you’re in MI6, which has absolutely no substantial grounding whatsoever. It’s most likely you have friends in a nearby uni you’ve decided you like far more than everyone here, which might have something to do with the fact you get gawked at every time you show your face now, or maybe you’re in a long distance relationship. You might just be a nerd and we’re all overthinking it.
When you’re finally spotted on a night out, though, drinking your enigmatic dark red VK, you can guarantee everyone’s going to lose their shit.