A helpful guide on how not to approach girls in a club

Spoiler alert: grabbing a stranger’s bum won’t work


If you’re a woman, there’s a high chance that you have been touched inappropriately by a man at some point in your life. Just last week my friend and I were simultaneously groped by a guy apparently trying to find the key to our hearts through our arses. When I turned around to express my extreme sense of anger, the man looked at me as if he’d done nothing wrong.

Before I give out my first class advice for people who need help on getting with a girl without harassing her, I’d like to set the scene.

It’s Friday night. You’re about five hours of pre-drinking and five tequila shots in and you’re out on the prowl, ready to find a gal to bring home. Let’s say you see an attractive looking girl who’s giving it her all on the dance floor.

Step 1: Don’t touch her right away

Approach her and look at her. Not in a weird, unblinking kind of way, but just a sort of “how ya doin’?” kind of way. If she wants to be around you she’ll probably give you a signal, something like a nod or a smile. We rarely give away direct mating dances, so it’s hard to know if we’re interested. However, if she hasn’t turned away from you yet, she’s probably open to dancing with you and seeing where things go.

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She just wants to be with her friends dude

Step 2: Don’t separate her from her friends

This may be a big surprise to many men, but women actually don’t like to be cornered. I know, it’s extremely strange that we don’t want to be ushered away by some strange guy we’ve danced with for a single song, but be patient. Don’t drag us away from our friends we have chosen to come to the club with – we want to spend time with them. If you want to get her alone, ask her. If she says “no” and wants to stay with her friends, then let her. If she walks away from you, you guessed it, let her. Do not chase after a girl who has actively ran away from you. I feel like this should be common sense but my own experience has said otherwise.

Does she look happy to you?

Does she look happy to you?

Step 3: Don’t touch her in a private areas

I’ve already mentioned arse-grabbing, but there’s other areas that are definitely off limits too. If the idea that you can touch a girl in a club without being inappropriate is revolutionary news to you, call your parents and tell them they did a terrible job.

Step 4: Don’t get all weird as you get closer

When you try to hold her, just be gentle, don’t pull on her in a desperate attempt for human closeness. Maybe put your arms around her waist, or place a hand on the back of her head, whatever floats your boat. If at any point this woman pulls away from you then don’t hold on. Seriously. Just think of it like this: If you believe in everyone’s right to freedom, you should believe in a someone’s choice not to want to kiss you. If you don’t believe in freedom of choice, then your problem is way deeper than this article goes.

see? you can touch her on the shoulder and charm her with your wonderful wit

You can touch her on the shoulder and charm her with your wonderful wit

Step 5: Don’t assume she’s not going to say no

At some point, one of you guys needs to take the plunge. Hey, she might kiss you first and if so, great. If she’s waiting for your move, probably because you approached her first, just try to kiss her. Again, don’t be a keen weirdo, rushing into it and don’t start groping her entire body because you finally got your glorious make out session you’ve been waiting all night for. If she pulls away from you, she can do that, don’t call her a tease. There’s this strange phenomena known as “changing your mind”, which both males and females partake in. If she invites you home, fabulous, if she doesn’t want to do anything but get PG with you, just accept it.