I spent 12 hours in the Three Sisters on St Patrick’s Day

Amidst a sea of Guinness and bad decisions, I found myself

No one does daytime drinking quite like the Irish and so, in an attempt to get back in touch with my roots, I made a pact with myself to spend 12 hours on St Patrick’s day at The Three Sisters. As the day progressed and I got steadily drunker alongside my fellow revellers, I documented my thoughts and have generously decided to share them with you all so that even if you didn’t make it in, you can feel like you did.

Look at that beautiful sea of green

10.11 – Arrive at the Three Sisters and purchase my first sweet, sweet pint of Guinness.

10.20 – I might be the only person in this establishment who isn’t wearing a huge, squashy top hat and green facepaint. I feel very halfhearted.

10.25 – I pick up my own squashy hat and feel more at ease. Does this count as cultural appropriation? I hope not.

11.45 – Why have so many people drawn four leaf clovers on their faces when shamrocks are the symbol of St Patrick? Ladies and gents please, there is a difference.

That’s a shamrock on the left. It has three leaves.

12.23 – They’re playing I Wanna Dance With Somebody inside and the dance floor is empty, have no fear Whitney I will dance with you.

13.32 – I go to claim the promised free breakfast and find only left over, congealed scrambled egg and fatty bacon but eat it anyway because it’s still free.

14.00 – Five pints down and I just love everybody so much this is all I dreamed a true Paddy’s to be.

14.17 – Why is there glitter in my Guinness?

14.22 – Now there’s soil in my Guinness too because some girl is dancing above me with a plant pot.

14.23 – This is deeply unsatisfactory but I’ll have to drink it anyway because I’ve paid for it.

Thoroughly unamused

14.42 – I requested Africa by Toto ten minutes ago and it still hasn’t come on.

15.02 – I’ve been here for five hours now and I am still on top of the world but I have still only met one truly Irish person in a sea of Pollock. Where are they all hiding? Probably Malones.

15.17 – Why are the queues for the loos so long? This is an absolute sham (rock harhar oh what am I like) No but seriously.

15.24 – One girl is pissing in the sink and another is throwing up in the toilet. The girl behind me is shouting at them and I’m beginning to fear for my life.

15.29 – Finally there is no better feeling than this I will never take a free toilet for granted again.

Keeping morale up in the toilet queue

16.12 – Discovered a man inside playing Whiskey in the Jar, there are only about 10 people here and they all know all the words this is magical I feel like I’ve truly found Ireland.

17.00 – Standing euphorically atop a table and wondering if we ever thanked St Patrick properly for creating a day where daytime drinking is not just acceptable but encouraged.

17.27 – I think I just fell off the table but there were definitely suspicious circumstances because the guy behind me was being very aggressive.

17.42 – Try to get on a friend’s shoulders only to fall off again so opt instead for the half-hearted piggyback.

Small heads or big cups?

18.30 – Starting to crash a bit I need food and more drink, and if I hear one more person tell me that their great grandmother was Irish I will go insane.

18.45 – I discover a stashed Tracker Bar in my jacket pocket, and the euphoric mood is restored.

19.52 – I just had a half hour conversation with a middle aged man about his cat and don’t really know how we managed to keep it going that long.

21.27 – Genuinely unsure what I’ve been doing for the past hour. My friends don’t remember either. Should I be offended?

21.30 – Half an hour and then I can get pizza I have never been so excited

22.00 – I have made it!! I think this might be my greatest achievement to date

After this final entry, I managed to stumble on to Moratti’s pizza place and had potentially the finest tasting margherita of my life. Over and out until next year.