Ten things you say you’ll do this summer but probably won’t

As exam season approaches, we are already consumed by thoughts of the summery light at the end of the tunnel. You promised yourself last year’s summer would be the best yet, as you did the year before. And the year before that. Here’s a list of the 10 promises you’ll break again this time around.

1. Save money.

The prospect of breaking free from the shackles of Tesco own brand vodka on the first week of term next year means you’ll go into the summer with admirable fiscal intentions. This will be short lived, if you work at a bar, you’ll spend money at that bar. If you’ve got an internship in London, you’ll think you’re already the Wolf of Wall Street and will be throwing cash around like it’s going out of fashion.

 Just a typical Friday night for the boys at Goldman Sachs.

2. Road Trips-Every Weekend.

Bidding adieu to your university chums on the day of your last exam will undoubtedly be accompanied by a “Yeh I’ll definitely come to Derby to visit you, it’ll be so fun!” Dreams of roaming around the English countryside in your parent’s Peugeot 206 (sun roof open baby) will remain just that.

3. Go to the Edinburgh Fringe and see 5 shows a day.

You may well go to the world’s largest International arts festival this August, but realistically, it’s not going to be the culturally enlightening experience you promised yourself. You’ll see one show each evening (tops) and you’ll spend a lot of time in the pub talking about the famous people you saw in trendy lunch spots. If you don’t spend the mornings wallowing in a hungover inferno, you haven’t got The Fringe quite right.

Well I met this guy, his name was the Hoff…

4. Show your parents how mature and well rounded you’ve become in your adulthood.

This one’s tricky, it happens to us all. Every time we go home, we spend the first two or three days engaging our parents in sophisticated conversation, we help out with the washing up and we occasionally refer to books we read 3 pages of during the academic year. Within a week, however, the reversion to your pre-university self will be complete. You’ll squabble with siblings, spend too much time on the sofa and won’t bother clearing up the crumbs from all the nice food you can’t usually afford.

5. Definitely not watch T.V.

It’s Wimbledon, and before you know it, you’ll have racked up 7 hours of the mixed doubles on court 16 via the red button. If sport isn’t your thing, you’ll amaze yourself at just how many repeats of The Great British Bake Off it’s possible to squeeze into just one Tuesday evening.

She ain’t happy about the soggy bottom on that one…

6. Catch up on Reading.

You’ll read more, that’s a given. Chances are though, your conquering of War and Peace will have to wait one more year.

Now this looks like a good book.

7. Not talk about your travels or internship to every God forsaken ear you come across.

You promise yourself you won’t rub your adventures in the faces of your less fortunate friends, but then again, they really ought to know just how life changing the War Remnants Museum in Ho Chi Minh city is.

8. Get a tan, and keep it.

This year will be different. After two weeks of fanatical sun worshipping and bottle upon bottle of factor-6 sun lotion, you’ll return to the shores of Great Britannia stunningly bronze and radiant beyond imagination. You’ll moisturise on the hour every hour and by the start of term you’ll still be the sun-kissed God or Goddess you worked so hard to become. Nope, 2 straight weeks of tracksuit bottom and anorak wearing will quickly rub of your hard earned bronzage and you’ll have enough flakes of peeled skin to make a slightly disturbing patchwork quilt.

SURE I’ll get a tan here.

9. Go on city breaks.

Ideas of a spontaneous Sunday afternoon spent in the Jardin du Luxembourg will be short-lived. You tell every visiting tourist how easy it is to travel around Europe on the cheap, chances are though, you probably won’t get round to that night out in Berlin. Ah well, the only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on, it’s never of use to one’s self (Pretentious use of Oscar Wilde quote).

And finally…

10. Not shag your ex.

No way, not again. Coming home without being able to boast about a wonderful new man or woman in your life means that you could easily fall into this trap. You claim you were so busy enjoying the single-life that a relationship was the last thing on your mind. But who are you go on late night walks with? You’ve got to show off your rippling, bronzed summer bod to someone, don’t you? Oh dear, you’ve done it again.

That awkward morning after breakfast…