Dear EUSA…

Dear EUSA,

Can you please hurry up and do something overwhelmingly scandalous for us all to moan about? Over the years at Edinburgh I’ve come to really appreciate the intermittent union calamities. It’s the one good thing about student politics. Regular episodes of incompetence and stupidity almost make up for the self-righteousness, puritanism, self-importance and interfering that make up business as usual.

The year got off to a good start. We had censorship of songs; censorship of satire; and an attempt to ban police from campus (followed by an embarrassing retreat). However, we seem to have had something of a dry-spell recently.

This guy is just stage one! There are other sexists out there too!

This is particularly embarrassing given how spectacularly quixotic and comical EUSA were last year. To name a small handful: The Sun was banned; a witch-hunt against page 3 girls was initiated; an attack on a foreign ambassador was endorsed; republicanism became compulsory;  societies were almost banned from using cash; we tried to jail Tony Blair; student newspapers were censored; all out war was declared on lads; and Monday was almost randomly turned into “you have to be a vegetarian” day. And then there was Max Crema. And this.

More of this please

This year, however, EUSA has been pretty lax. Where are the ludicrously ambitious plans to bring down the government, capitalism and the patriarchy? Where is the unpleasant and hypocritical moralising? Where is the constant interference? Where are the hilarious scandals about pathetic abuses of minute power? Where are the attacks on free speech?

Where are these tools when you need them?

Do something stupid and arrogant? Please? Come on guys, you’re letting the side down.

Some suggestions for EUSA policy:

1. Ban cleavage on campus
2. Ban grinding in P’row
3. Boycott products made by corporations (all of them)
4. Compulsory veganism for all students
5. Censorship, followed by expulsion, of anyone who supports Tories, neoliberalism, tuition fees or cuts
6. Allow EUSA trustees and sabbaticals to physically assault other students
7. Pictures of the President to be placed in every single room in University
8. Hugh Murdoch to hold a regular lunch time show on FreshAir called “Loose Sabbaticals”

Yours sincerely,

Emile and the rest of the Tab