11 more likely things in 2014 than Edinburgh’s trams

A few things to expect before the trams open.


The trams. Right. We’ve all seen the work taking place on Princes Street and we’ve all noticed that the council are taking the piss getting them done. If you don’t want to take our word for it, type ‘Edinburgh trams’ into Google and see what the first suggestion is.

In light of their recent proposal that the trams will be up and running by May 2014, we have decided to compile a list of things that will happen before the trams actually are on the move. Basically, we don’t think the trams will ever be ready.

1.The Edinburgh bus service will start giving change.

2. The Barbour jacket will go out of fashion at the University, it will be a crime to wear one in Pollock Halls.

3. Bongo will hire a cheese-only DJ in an attempt to become edgier.

4. Princess Anne will be thrown out of her home by some yobs whilst trying to read 50 Shades Darker.

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Oo, naughty!

5. People will realise that Grand Theft Auto is an unnecessarily violent game to play that can only have a negative impact on society, resulting in Rockstar turning to more christian alternatives such as ‘Abacus Hero’ and ‘Call of Duty: Abstinence’.

6. EUSA will change its name to ‘Every Unsuitable Song Abolished’, maintaining the famous initials. They will invite Robin Thicke to be their new patron.

7. Miley will rediscover her sanity.

Remember when...

Remember when…

8. The JMCC will invest in good quality food, never having to recycle Beef Goulash into Libyan Shepherd’s Stew again.

9. Katie Price will finally find love. It could be you!

Do you fit the bill? You could be next!

Do you fit the bill? You could be next!

10. Domino’s army of flyer distributors will revolt against their pizza overlord and actually deliver all the free pizzas they promised in Freshers’ Week.

11. Lad Banter will take over campus, re-affirming EUSA’s fears. Mass keggings will take place in Bristo Square and all of the leading members of EUSA, who attempted to stifle the revolution, will be bantered to death with Blurred Lines ringing out from Teviot and Potterrow.