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We drank literally every single college drink, and here’s our comprehensive ranking

Spoiler: They’re all crap

Do not try to get drunk on college drinks. They’re sweet, they’re pricey, and they will leave you disappointingly sober. We suffered through them all so you don’t have to.

Some may say this isn’t real journalism. Some may say we’re just perpetuating uni drinking culture. To them, we give this highly scientific rating scale, where each drink is ranked on a scale of 1-10, based on three categories: Instagrammability (will this drink look cute on an Instagram post?), Taste (pretty self explanatory), and Alcohol content (its ability to get you fucked).

Ustinov – The Charlie Chaplin

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Me and my husband, thinking about our 401k.

I think I got my first grey hair when I entered Ustinov. If you’ve ever wondered what it would be like to go out with your parents, here it is. Ustinov’s original college drink is the Ustinovian, their own pale ale. But since it had ran out, we had to do with the Charlie Chaplin -which brings them comfort because it is just as old as they are.

Instagrammability: It will match your rose gold iPhone. Pretty, in a minimalist sort of way: 7.9

Taste: Fruity, sweet, with a slightly bitter aftertaste: 8.3

Alcohol content: Solid alcohol-to-mixer rate, and you can even get it without soda: 6.1

Total score: Old people know their alcohol: 7.4

Josephine Butler – the Suffragette and the Butler Bullet

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Not sure this drink is revolutionary enough to be called a Suffragette

For some unknown reason, JoBo serves two official college drinks – we would’ve preferred one decent drink instead of two half-assed, and strikingly similar sugar-bombs.

Suffragette (multicoloured)

Instagrammability: Pretty colours, shitty glass: 6.7

Taste: In Hedda’s somewhat harsh words, “the worst thing I’ve ever tasted”: 5.4

Alcohol content: It's really just a watered down cider: 4.6

Total score: 5.6

Butler Bullet (red)

Instagrammability: Nothing about this drink stands out: 3.7

Taste: If you like liquorice, you’ll love this drink. But we don’t: 5.8

Alcohol content: It's really just a watered down cider. C'mon JoBo. 4.6

Total score: 4.7

Van Mildert – the Skittle and the Duckling

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Reminiscing about the duckling torturous walk up the hill

You may not have seen it because you were distracted by someone trying to show you their ducks, but the Mildert bar is actually quite decent. Their drinks, however, look like they may be toxic. Survival tip: never drink something in that shade of orange.

The Skittle (green)

Instagrammability: Bright, neon, and fun – or cancer-causing: 5.7

Taste: Sweet and artificial, but somehow not too much: 6.3

Alcohol content: something which tastes that much like soda can’t have much alcohol in it. 3.9

Total score: 5.3

The Duckling (orange)

Instagrammability: Extra points for all those caption puns you could make. 5.3

Taste: “We have no Fanta, is the duckling okay?” Comes with complimentary pieces of pulp. 3.0

Alcohol content: Alcohol-to-mixer ratio slightly better than the Skittle: 4.7

Total score: 4.3

St Aidan’s – the Badger

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When you're not sure it'll fit, but you'll give it a go anyways

According to the crew at St Aidan’s bar, it is actually against University rules to have an official college drink. Who knew? Nevertheless, the tradition must continue, and these guys did not let us down. “The Badger”, a surprisingly delicious mix of VK and Guinness, blew us away.

Instagrammability: Be quick if you want to get a shot of the Guinness slowly seeping into the VK; the process is fascinating. 8.9

Taste: You wouldn’t expect it, but this drink is a joy to the tastebuds. Especially after enduring the nauseatingly sweet drinks at Van Mildert. 9.3

Alcohol content: Not too bad, no unnecessary non-alcoholic mixer. 6.5

Total score: 8.2

Trevelyan – Trev’s blue

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Blending in at Trev's

I mean, the bar is pretty cool. We were even lucky enough to get a live-band performance while we were there (why so loud guys?). The drink though – it looked like a carefully poured glass of Windex on ice, and kinda tasted like it too. Not impressed.

Instagrammability: Looks like cancer in a cup – but it is a pretty colour: 5.7

Taste: If you’re still not used to the taste of alcohol, this drink is your saviour: 6.3

Alcohol content: There probably is some alcohol in this drink, even if you don't taste it. 3.9

Total score: 5.3

St Mary’s – The Witch

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Is it sad to get this excited about a shot?

There’s something refreshing about a simple shot as a college drink – even if it is served in the dingy, sticky dungeons of St. Mary’s.

Instagrammability: Colourful shots are fun. 5.2

Taste: Fruity, fresh, no aftertaste, great afterburn. 6.5

Alcohol content: Weak shot, but still a shot. 6.2

Total score: 6.0

Collingwood – the Red and Black

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Okay Collingwood, we get it. You guys like sports.

In the words of the bartender: “It’s pretty shit”.

Instagrammability: looks exactly like a rum and coke. 2.8

Taste: shit for a real drink, but pretty good for a college drink. 6.4

Alcohol content: probably the equivalent of a double-shot drink. 7.0

Total score: 5.4

Grey – Chilli Vodka

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Appropriate decor does not prepare you for the inferno that is this drink

We like the idea of this drink more than the actual experience of drinking it. It is a clever way to bypass the not-so-pleasant flavour of Tesco brand vodka though.

Instagrammability: It's just see-through, isn't it? Boring. 2.5

Taste: The ONLY college drink that won't give you diabetes, but it burns like hell: 6.6

Alcohol content: No-bullshit vodka. 7.5

Total score: 5.5

Cuth’s – The Brownie Bomber

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Peaceful atmosphere calls for peaceful pose

First stop on a Bailey barcrawl, and painfully ordinary. The Brownie Bomber gets a roaring "meh" from us.

Instagrammability: Murky and pink, perfect if you’re feeling softgrunge-y. 4.2

Taste: Not great, not bad, with an artificial aftertaste. 5.5

Alcohol content: beer + syrup. 6.0

Total score: 5.2

St John’s – the Tripod

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Overcompensating for your ridiculously tiny bar, John's?

The most well known of the college drinks, and also the priciest at a steep £5.

Instagrammability: You’ll definitely get a cool picture out of this one: 8.9

Taste: The mix of VK flavours is good – if you like VK that is: 6.9

Alcohol content: VK is a sad 4%. Don't trust this drink to keep you going all night. 4.9

Total score: 6.9

Chad’s – The Goat

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The ceiling is the only reason people go to this bar

You can’t help falling in love with Chad’s classy patio-style bar – there’s even a piano! Sadly though, their college drink does not maintain the classy image.

Instagrammability: Lovely, bottle-green colour. In Lucia’s words: “It reminds me of the Irish countryside”. 7.2

Taste: Smells like detergent, tastes like detergent – in our experience, just what you’d expect a college drink to taste like. 5.0

Alcohol content: Like a weak single-shot drink. 4.0

Total score: 5.4

Hatfield – The Hatfield Tickler

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Hide from Hatfield – we were never here!

Their drink is pretty decent, but the bar is a tent?? It's like they're not even trying anymore.

Instagrammability: We kinda liked the muddy pinkness. 6.0

Taste: Sweet, but not too artificial! Well done. 7.6

Alcohol content: same as any college drink. 6.1

Total score: 6.9

University College – Smenergy

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The walls whisper of polo and signet rings.

They spent more time coming up with a catchy name than actually making a solid drink. Vodka + Red Bull + Smirnoff Ice = signature basic white girl drink.

Instagrammability: I could piss in this glass and get the same aesthetic. 3.2

Taste: You might as well get a Vodka-Red Bull for half the price. Still good though. 7.5

Alcohol content: One single shot of vodka. 6.1

Total score: 5.6

Hild Bede – The Big Blue

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It even matches the furniture! #aesthetic

A picture with Hild Bede’s college drink might actually be worth taking the trek to the middle of nowhere.

Instagrammability: did you notice its colours match the sofa? Top notch. 9.3

Taste: the syrup hits you in the face and warns you that, maybe, you shouldn’t be putting this in your body. 5.0

Alcohol content: there’s alcohol in all 3 parts of this drink. 6.6

Final score: It grows on you, but then so does fungus. 7.0

So there you have it

Disagree with our (slightly random) scores? Give them a try yourselves, cause we are never going near a college drink again.