TabGuide: Chopping a Pint

In the fast-paced, alcohol fuelled world that is uni the ability to down large amounts of alcohol in a short amount of time is considered a much sought after skill

The cavemen wooed their womenfolk by creating fire and hunting mammals.

The Medieval suitors fought for the fair lady’s hand by jabbing at each other with sharp metallic phalluses while 19th century Lotharios relied on the accuracy of their dancing steps and the swing of their gluttonous hips to get the girl.

In that respect, very fast drinking isn’t the most ridiculous skill to develop.

If you’re not deleting units at 4 seconds a pint you’ve still got room for improvement. Those who can open their gullet have an obvious advantage, but not all are gifted with this talent that one regular drinker eloquently described as ‘pretty much an x-men mutation, but for downing.’

We’re here to talk you through the steps that will cement your chopping status.

Step 1 – The Fill

Fill a pint glass with beer. Not too high, not too low. Place the glass on a stable, even surface and crouch down so the pint line is at eye level.

Begin pouring the beer, either from a can, bottle or barrel into the glass, taking care to pour slowly so as not to miss the mark.

You will know when the beer has reached the line as the line of the brown beer will be at the exact same height as the white line on the glass.

The subject in question

Step 2 – The Stance

Position your feet shoulder width apart and stand firm. Shoes with a good grip are useful for maintaining your stance throughout the downing, as are shoes with a waterproof coating to protect them from any spillages.

Suede loafers are not advised, partly because they might get ruined, and partly because you’ll look like a knob.

Spread em wide

Step 3 – The Hands

Place your hands on the glass, making sure you establish physical contact with all five digits.

Slippery surfaces should be something you’re used to (and if you don’t know what I’m talking about, you’re doing something very wrong) so a moist glass is no excuse for lack of grip.

Your thumbs be at the same height as your ring fingers to provide support for the glass when it is tipped.

Your palms should at no point touch the glass as this could disrupt the angle of the wrists and impede leverage.

Look at that grip

Step 4 – The Squat

Adopt a slightly squat position, bending your knees slightly whilst still shoulder width apart and hunching your shoulders so you’re a precious few millimetres closer to the glass.

This stance allows you optimum balance and prepares the body for the ordeal ahead.

Low in the saddle

Step 5 – The Breathing

Access your inner calm place and regulate your breathing.

Expand your diaphragm to create a vacuum to pull in the air, then contract it to push the air out.

Repeat till you have mastered this process and can do it without thinking. All your attention must be focused on the drink.

Who needs a boob job

Step 6 – The Face

Adopt a menacing facial expression. A lot of the task centres around your psychological state, and if you can put of your competitors before the process begins you may score yourself those precious few milliseconds of advantage.

Anything from curled lips to furrowed brows will do; if you’re not able to look intimidating opt for looking special needs enough that they’re distracted by questioning whether you’ve ever been institutionalised.

Alternatively, distract them with the cost of dental checkups

Step 7 – The Chop

Take a deep breath in, open your mouth as wide as possible and attempt to eat the glass – any beer that comes with it is a bonus.

If you need to take a second breath whilst downing you’re already questionable, and any more than one is tantamount to failure.

Spillage will occur and you may for a moment resemble a feral animal, but by God is it worth it for the glory.

Blink and it’s gone