You weren’t planning on going out, but through force or coercion your mates have somehow sealed the deal. For one night only, Klute’s going down sober. Many men have fallen at this age-old challenge, so we’ve worked tirelessly to get together a simple 5-step guide for your quaddieless selves. Now that’s amore.

Substitute the booze

A Durham student without any booze is a bit like a Hatfield student without Daddy’s credit card. Confusion and chaos reign as you suddenly find yourself surrounded by three Freshers who stink of vodka and a hench bloke in a penguin onesie at pre-drinks. There’s only one option left at this point: find a substitute for alcohol before you give up and retreat to watch the Eastenders omnibus on iPlayer.

At this stage, it’s all about the perfect cocktail. What gets you hyped and ready to dance? Neck down seventeen Red Bulls. What turns you on? An aphrodisiac (we suggest asparagus or figs, but for those who don’t originate from the Home Counties, you can go with chocolate and banana). How are you going to sustain those gyrating hips? Invest in a box of energy bars from Mountain Warehouse ‘for the Everest of D you must scale’.

Now you’re ready to go clubbing.

Just about enough

Create chaos with Quaddies

When you hit Klute to find it completely empty at 10:59 p.m. (gotta love that free entry), it’s gonna take more than Pitbull screeching how he likes girls ‘face down, booty up’ to get things going. A half-decent sober night will need some heavy funding from your own pocket – think of it as a long-term investment for your future superiority.

Get a couple of rounds in for the mates – it’ll be worth it when you’re chuckling to yourself as you sip tap water while Katie attempts to get off with the bouncer and Henry ruts a bar stool. Bonus points can be achieved if friends fall down the stairs, start a punch up in the DJ booth or get rejected by a rower from Collingwood who’s clearly out of their league.

Made for facebook

Document the anarchy

‘When love takes over’  you know it’s time to whip out your iPhone and become the unholy love-child of the Daily Mail and Colin Creevey. By this point your friends will be in various states of mortal, ranging from the Van Mildert Vom-King to the Mary’s Molester. What better way to pass the time is there than meticulously archiving their exploits?

Train yourself to be a ninja – strike quick and often, but remain invisible. By now, Henry’s moved on from that stool and is relentlessly pursuing a solid 3 from Chad’s and, thanks to you, the whole of Facebook will very soon be finding this out in graphic detail.

If your exploits prove particularly popular, you may as well go all out and start up a hashtag. Never has your immediate access to the JCR Twitter feed been more useful…

#banter

Have a back-up strategy

It’s 1am and everyone’s paired off apart from your best friend, who insists you stick around while they seek out their own prey. You find yourself lurking in the smoking area surrounded by crying Union Soc members and disenchanted clubbers in a similar miserable position to yourself.

But not all is lost! Your guardian angel has appeared in the form of Candy Crush, pre-emptively downloaded hours before.The potent, intoxicating mixture of Nicki Minaj spitting from the speakers combined with the luminous, swiping jelly beans can be your very own brand of MD.

Who needs to ‘shake what yo mama gave ya’ when you’re on Level 212 and your mum just sent you an extra life via Facebook?!

You’re never alone if you’re with your phone

Manipulate your mates

The last song’s been sung but your best friend never managed to close the deal and they’re determined vent their sexual frustration by slurping on some sticky udon noodles. Woksupp has never looked so tempting. Subway screams your name somewhere beyond its gleaming meatballs.

Relish the image of your friend hugging their cheesy slice, caressing the dough in an attempt to recreate the fleshy sensation they could have had if only their chat had been up to scratch. Take up the role of ‘concerned friend’ as you stockpile Urban Oven specials without spending a penny yourself.  You’ll need them when you get back home and have to write that summative due in at 9 a.m. the next morning.

But who cares about that now that you’ve survived your first ever sober night in Klute?

Literally better than sex