The Political One

These guys offer their opinion and spark debate on the Tab’s ‘more serious’ articles on feminism or the Union. As it’s the Tab, the opinion they offer is normally in direct conflict with the one the article has taken. But we aren’t a paper to shy away from criticism, indeed, I would like to personally encourage these insightful comments.

‘I HAVE OPINIONS. ACCEPT THEM’

The Impersonator

These are usually based on a Tab Contributor or local BNOC. Some are there for comedy and some are there to hurt. Sadly, for these guys, the insulting side of the impersonation is lost on us. In this cut-throat business any publicity, is good publicity. Yes, even when secrets (or myths) of our cat fingering days are revealed.

”I did not have sexual relations with that… cat?”

The One Who Doesn’t Get It

These people are too short or too stupid but either way the joke seems to go right over their head. At the bottom of what is meant to be a funny, light hearted article laced with subtle, self referential irony there are usually comments by someone who entirely missed the point. These people take life too seriously and are headed for a stress induced heart attack by the time they are in their mid-2os. They will be sorely missed.

Goes on a bit

The Lad

This guy has become a farce of himself, chopping birds and pints in equal measure he puports to spend all of his time clubbing, banging and boozing with a bit of rugby on the side. The ultimate anti-feminist, he usually crops up at the bottom of big issue articles to provide some comic relief or the offer of a shag. Thankfully no one like his pastiche actually exists.

#lad

The Bully

The shit they write is an attempt to make Tab Contributors question their skill as a both a journalist and, if it’s really done right, their existence as a human being. Sadly, it all fails to affect us. Maybe we really are too stupid to get the hurtful side, or maybe our skin is just too thick. For all those who comment this crap, I would like to refer you to my earlier comment that I think is also fitting here, namely that all publicity is good publicity. Indeed, I would like to personally thank you guys. There is nothing a writer loves more than seeing their article at the top of the ‘most popular’ section for days on end and your wonderfully opinionated and never-ending comments make this possible.

Shots fired

The Reply

Similar to the one who doesn’t get it, these commenters tend to wish they had written the article themselves and take it one step further. They reply with a nuanced, delicate response in a very long-winded form as if what was originally posted was addressed to them. Vitriolic and aggressive these guys tend to post anonymously as if defending their views might be a step too far, simultaneously inviting debate and shutting it down.

One of the shorter ones

The Critic

Their MA in journalism and superior grasp of the English language entitles these people to comment. Some offer general non-statements such as ‘typical Tab article.’ while others detail everything that is wrong with what they have cared enough about to read. To these commenters we apologise, we really will strive to do better.

Wrong and badly written? God, hope someone got fired for that one

The Comedian

We’ve all been there, your friends, parents and lecturers all tell you you’re not funny but you still have an insatiable desire to pun. These Tim Vines of the internet find solace in the Tab Comments and we welcome them.

2:1 at best

Any we missed? Write ’em below