5 ways to bang in Bill Bryson

Sexually frustrated? Bored of revision already? Love the smell of books whilst doing the bad thing? No man nor woman deserves to live like this, which is why ORIEL WELLS is here to turn it all around.

The exam period is one of intense stress, regret and appalling dietary choices. It is also a time when all hopes of relationships, sex or indeed self-esteem disappear in place of an intense and turbulent relationship with the serial polygamist, Bill Bryson.

However, you don’t have to accept this desperately sad state of affairs, as long as you’re willing to lower your standards of how to meet people significantly (unless you’ve found your future spouse on Tinder in which case congratulations – you’re already there). Turn every visit to the library into an opportunity to score yourself a shag with these simple-to-follow techniques:

Offer a pen

With its obvious phallic shape and frequent presence in the mouth, the pen is one of the most highly sexualised tools available in the library. During the disorientating haze of pre-exam stress, someone is sure to forget their writing tools, but since the chance of a seat remaining free for the time it takes to go find an overly equipped friend is next to nothing, they may attempt to make do with a forgotten pencil stub half-sharpened between their teeth.

By providing this desperate individual with a pen, you are not only receiving their gratitude, but also their unwritten promise to give you a blowjob under the level 3 desks.

You’re aroused, aren’t you?

Get trapped in the moving bookshelves with them

This option will need an accomplice or, less threateningly, a ‘wingman’. The key to this move’s success is surprise, so when you walk into the bookshelf make sure that you actually seem like you’re looking for a book rather than just staring into your target’s deep, luscious brown eyes.

If you manage this important first step without creating a small paddling pool worth of your own drool, the rest is an undoubtable success. The adrenaline rush from the fear of imminent death is sure to get you both going (you might actually have sex right there) and you will be inextricably linked by your mutual near death crisis which will justify a long string of late night hook-ups.

‘Le petit mort’

Flash your cash

The overpriced hot drinks and lukewarm sandwiches on offer in Yum café give you the chance to really show off your (Daddy’s) dollar. Buying a white chocolate and raspberry muffin for a peckish lass will allow her to be wooed by your philanthropic character, whilst also providing a sugar rush of energy that will need to be burnt off in one of the private study rooms.

Who needs a meal deal?

Be an anarchist

You might be spending the next month cramped in a library full of people who have been wearing the same clothes for a fortnight and avoiding all forms of happiness in order to scrape into the paradise 2:1 that will land you that job in the civil service – but that does not mean you cannot still stick it to the man.

If you can’t see Miss Mullins about, throw caution to the wind and have a 15 minute conversation with your friend about the merits of citrus vs. more alkaline fruits. Watch a baby monkey video without using headphones whilst reclining at a 45 degree angle in your chair. Eat a chicken tikka subway without fear. If you don’t have half the library scrabbling to get in your pants by the end of this inspirational show, there must be something significantly wrong with your face.

Guaranteed conversation starter

Write sweet nothings

Taking back to the old school days of year 5, this is a fool proof way to get your chirps on. A witty poem or a cheeky equation chat up line might get her in the mood, or you could even go straight for the mobile number if you want more of a romantic/sexily passive aggressive approach. However, crude stick man drawings of the two of you getting it on don’t go down well. Nor does taking on the persona of a serial stalker and asking them questions relating to how their morning shower was. Apparently.

Mixed results