How to lose friends and alienate people

Freshers, listen up. ORIEL WELLS gives you a step by step guide to getting rid of your surplus mates.

We all have them. Those ‘friends’ that you made in Freshers week due to close proximity and a desperation for pre-drinks. But now it’s almost the end of second term, you’re starting to realise that you need to shake off these ‘Freshers friends’ if you don’t want to keep discussing what you had for dinner last night in rigorous detail. It’s not cruel: it’s just natural selection. Follow these simple steps to lose those unwanted friends from your life once and for all:

Be Silent

No matter how desperate they may be for human contact, no one can actually enjoy spending elongated amounts of time with little more than an animated corpse. One word answers are a good way to ease you in, progressing to replacing actual words with disgruntled murmurs, before the complete silence. For the more dedicated amongst you, dive straight in with the silent and death stare, undoubtedly the most effective way to get your message across.

Enough to scare anyone away

Embarrass them

They’re not going to hound you to prink with them again if the last time you went out you ran around telling everyone that they slept with their half-sister – make sure you stare at them defiantly whilst they protest ‘It’s ok, it was before our parents were officially married!’.

Who needs rumours when you can have awkward dance?

Chat shit

For those of you who feel you can’t handle awkward silences, incessant rambling about the most mundane subjects is enough to drive anyone insane. They might try to join in with their own thrilling anecdote about ‘the time they didn’t wear shoes in the bar!!!’, but that’s your cue to cut them short with your own tale of how the rubber sole of shoes are produced. Throw in a horrific laugh for extra points (think Perdy from First Dates, or a more emphatic version of Jimmy Carr).

Oooo, look at that rubber!

Thirdwheel them

This option relies on you having another half, or at least someone who is willing to get with you passionately whenever you so require (congratulations stalkers – your time has come!) A full-on tonsil tennis session, complete with writhing, moaning and light spanking, is sure to make the undesirable third party uncomfortable enough to leave (and hopefully never return). Beware though, a small percentage of the aforementioned hangers on may actually enjoy this, and you might find yourself with a rather overly enthusiastic audience…

Someone’s not getting the message

Phase ’em out

They may not have had Twitter in the 90s, but Phoebe from ‘Friends’ had the right idea when she discovered the benefits of cutting people out through technology. A simple unfollow, unfriend or unlike will remove you from their immediate thoughts and prevent them from being able to stalk you in bitter despair, therefore making the separation much less painful for them and allowing you to post about where you are without having to worry that they’ll be making an appearance any time soon.

One click is all it takes

Get them kicked out of Uni

Probably one of the harsher approaches but essential as a last resort, this is a sure-fire way to ensure that you’ll never have to see them again. A small amount of crystal meth, combined with a light smattering of child pornography across their Internet history and a late night call to the porters mentioning chanting noises issuing from their room should be enough to save you from any more awkward conversations.

They can’t text you if their hands are cuffed up…