TabGuide: Which night out?

LAURA IDDLES gets you where you want to go, if you know what I mean.

Feeling the need for speed? Fancy getting off your titties and locking lips with a local lass? Need to be seen in over 10 Facebook photos? Then make sure you check this list to ensure you succeed in your goal, and finish the night with big ol’ tick in the box.

Objective: Pull = Klute

If you’re looking for some lovin’, you’d better head on down to Klute. The lighting is far too dim for your looks to get in the way of scoring, and the people who populate Klute’s dance floor are desperate at the best of times. You can pretty much guarantee that you won’t remember the person you shack off with. If you don’t succeed by some freak event you can always pop on over the bridge to Paddy’s to try your luck with the offer of food to entice that special boy or girl.

Dream come true

Objective: Get with a local = Lloyd’s

For your best chances to tick this off your bucket list, you’d better get to Lloyd’s, which offers the perfect atmosphere to get absolutely mortal. It might require a change in attire for normal Durham ladies; you better try something bright and skin tight, girls, with some killer heels and plenty of slap. Luckily for the guys, the Geordie ladies aren’t too picky so you could rock up in your PJs and I’m sure they’d give you a snog. Get this one crossed off your list before you graduate kiddos, or you might regret it!

Gagging for it

Objective: Social climb = Loveshack

Loveshack smoking area is possibly the schweffiest spot in Durham, with a haze of ego that surrounds it on Wednesday nights. If you want to get climbing up that social ladder you’d better make sure you’re there. It’s quiet enough to have a conversation about who are your mutual mates, and undoubtedly you’ll bump into loads of familiar faces, and hopefully even be introduced to their better looking friends.

Do i know you?

Objective: Get high = Nova

A Collingwood formal is not the place to pop some pills, in fact steer clear of college events at all costs and make your way to Nova. Unfortunately, Nova only occurs fortnightly, so you’ll have to go all out when it comes. Prepare yourself for a sweaty night on the dance floor busting a groove to music without lyrics that you’ve probably never heard of and that you probably never will.

High on life…

Objective: Get fucked = Chinatown

If you’ve just got your assignment back you were busting your balls on for weeks and you got 43%, it calls for a visit to 346 at China Town. This all you can eat buffet come bar is the popular spot for darts socials and alcoholics. Most of the time your won’t even know you’ve been until the photos go up and there you are, clutching your three trebles and attempting to smile.

Let’s just sit here until the floor stops moving?

Objective: Not see anyone = Anywhere on a Thursday

If you want a mad one where you can make a tit out of yourself and not feel guilty because you don’t know a single person in the club, you need to start frequenting anywhere on a Thursday. No one you know or socialise with will ever consider going out on a Thursday, everyone is rightly in their beds nursing the monster of all hangovers and hoping that by the time they wake up tomorrow they will feel human again.

He does what he wants