Five Cambridge University conspiracies I’m convinced are real

Everyone knows Cambridge is weird, but it’s got to a point where I genuinely think this is some sort of twisted experiment. My evidence? I’m glad you asked…

1. The Sidge/Darwin crossing is NEVER on your side

Image credits: Salma Salifu

This crossing is an agent of chaos. A journey from college to Sidge is either five or 1o minutes, and it’s completely dependent on whether these bastard lights want to cooperate. These take so much time out of my day – I’m convinced the lights sense me approaching and decide to go red. And of course, when it rains, this spot is optimal for creating massive puddles that give you a lovely splashing if someone speeds by…

2. Everybody is connected

Us and an old friend. Image credits: Macey Stables

We are all well aware of the fancy school circuit, but I thought that had nothing to do with me. I came to this uni thinking I knew no one, yet as it turns out there are at least five completely separate mutuals I discovered upon arrival. Imagine my shock at the girl I met at a year 12 party once suddenly being five minutes away on Snap Maps. My 25-year-old sister came up for May Ball and met the childhood best friend of one of her good mates. I finally added my cousin on Instagram over the summer, and the one mutual we had was not through our literal family tree but through Cambridge ACS? The Cambridge bubble will always find you.

3. Pavement etiquette comes here to die

Should be renamed Sliver Street…. (Image credits: Salma Salifu)

I understand the sentiment behind not rushing life, but that does not apply when I’m running late to my 9am? Why does everyone walk so slowly here? Why is it completely normalised to stop and have a conversation in the middle of the pavement? Why do couples insist on holding hands down Silver Street when it’s barely wide enough for me and my backpack? If I had a pound for every time I was forced to walk in the road, my May Week fund would be sorted.

4. VKs aren’t cringe after midnight

Image credits: Alicia McDowell

Seeing as we’re all over the age of 16, it’s safe to assume none of us would be caught dead with a case of these at pres. As if, it would be offensive. But there’s something about the sugar rush and four for £10 deal that gives this drink super serum qualities after a stint on the dance floor. You’ll feel kinda sticky and gross in the morning, but it’s capable of reactivating all of the alcohol from earlier that evening, for better or for worse.

5. Anything over a 15 minute walk = ?

A rare Homerton venture. Has not been attempted since. (Image credits: Salma Salifu)

Isn’t it insane how I’ll happily travel 50+ miles to go home mid-term yet two miles outside of central Cambridge is where I draw the line? I’m a languages student who’s more than happy to try exploring Latin America yet Girton is where I draw the line. We have to be honest with ourselves – central college students are extremely spoilt. With college, my faculty, the shops and nightlife all within a 10 minute walk, I simply have no reason to go into the unknown. Sorry cycling nation.

Feature Image Credits: Hannah Richmond

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