Are you the most Chaotic Cantabrigian? Take our test!

Welcome to Easter term! I had no idea when I applied to Cambridge that exams were something that happened (going to lectures with a hangover every day is stressful enough), so I’m feeling a little annoyed right now.

It also means that I’m going to have to make quite a lot of changes this term. Finding yourself walking home from town at 1am, eight lectures behind, the ridiculous gothic architecture spinning around you as if you’re trapped in Edgar-Allen’s Poe wet dream, having almost been kicked out of the pub because the bouncer thought your kazoo was a vape and finally leaving because a failed science fiction writer you met kept asking your friends if he could feel their hair… that is no longer a sustainable lifestyle.

If I’m going to have any hope of not being kicked out of university I’m going to have to buck up my ideas, whatever that means.

And I have been making changes. I’ve started doing yoga, going to bed at a normal time, making a schedule… My days of chaos are over, and I shall live out the rest of my days happily cosplaying as a vigilantly timekeeping grandma.

But it got me thinking. Sure, I have been barely keeping it together the last two terms, but my lifestyle can’t have been anywhere the worst. We at The Tab have devised what is perhaps the most objective measure of lifestyle instability: The Cambridge Chaos Test.

Count up how many of these things you’ve done WHILE AT CAMBRIDGE, work out your score, and brag about how quirky of a person you are to your friends. It’s like the Rice Purity Test, but it doesn’t have the weird undertone that having sex is immoral (although maybe that’s a conversation for another day)!

In case it wasn’t obvious, this isn’t a checklist. If you have done all of these things, please let us know, and maybe seek help 🙂

Without further ado:

1. Had a sleepless night.
2. Bought alcohol to a lecture (accidental or otherwise).
3. Slept through a supervision.
4. Slept through a supervision, while in the supervision.
5. Slept through an exam.
6. Cooked food so bad it made you throw up.
   

   Do not try Tofu and Biscoff Spread. It doesn’t work. (photo credits: David McIntosh)

7. Thrown up on someone else.
8. Had to clean up someone’s vomit.
9. Dated more than one person in a day.
10. Eaten food 10 days past its expiry date.
11. Been kicked out of a club.
12. Been kicked out of a pub.
13. Fallen more than ten lectures behind.
14. Missed an entire term’s worth of lectures for one topic.
15. Stayed awake for 36 hours.
16. Slept for 18 hours.
17. Slept with a supervisor.
18. Slept with a porter. (Oh dear…)
19. Slept with a close friend.
20. Hit someone with a bike.
21. Been hit by a bike.
22. Had your bike stolen.
23. Got in a fight with a stranger.
24. Had to go to hospital because of drinking or drugs.
25. Stayed in your room for three consecutive days.
26. Not exercised for over a week.
27. Worn the same item of clothing for over a week.
28. Not cleaned your room for three weeks.
29. Ate nothing but the same type of food for three days. (For me, it’s bagels!)
    

    Sesame Bagels, my beloved! (photo credits: David McIntosh)

30. Had an intervention from the cleaners about the state of your room.
31. Had an intervention from your DoS about your academic progress.
32. Had a stranger console you after you had a breakdown in front of them.
33. Not been to a library in six weeks.
34. Not showered in three days.
35. Fallen asleep fully clothed.
36. Had an argument or “serious conversation about our relationship” that lasted more than three hours.
37. Spent more than five hours scrolling social media in one day.
38. Spent more than five hours playing video games in one day.
39. Been to a NatSci lecture. (Easily the most concerning one on this list)
40. Cheated on supervision work.
41. Had a relationship that lasted less than two weeks.
42. Tried rowing.
43. Tried acting.
44. Tried stand-up comedy.
45. Worn a butt plug to a lecture or supervision (or an exam!).
46. Fallen into the Cam.
    
    

    Me falling into the Trent and abandoning my boat last week (photo credits: David McIntosh)

47. Publicly urinated.
48. Fallen off a scooter or bike.
49. Submitted more than three Crushbridges.
50. Slept with the lead of a play.
51. Left your laundry in the machine for more than three hours.
52. Cried to a porter.
53. Had a noise complaint.
54. Played a term of Assassin’s Guild.
55. Binge-watched more than five hours of TV in one day (and if you need recommendations, click here!)
56. Eaten an entire loaf of bread straight from the packet.
57. Forgotten the same person’s name four times.
58. Lost your ID in a club or pub.
59. Used a fake ID in a club or pub.
60. Lost an item larger than a bouquet of flowers in a club or pub.
    
    

    Left on read… (photo credits: David McIntosh)

61. Joined more than 10 societies.
62. Woken up in an unfamiliar place without remembering the night before.
63. Woken up in a different country without remembering the night before.
64. Worn more than 10 different hats.
65. Impulsively performed at an open mic night.
66. Had a charity shop worker laugh at you when they saw what you were buying.
    
    

    That charity shop drip (photo credits: David McIntosh)

67. Spent more than 10 hours designing or buying a fancy dress costume.
68. Ridden on the back of someone’s scooter or bike.
69. Been sharked.
70. Had more than ten conversations about penis size.
71. Submitted a Crushbridge about yourself. (Well this is adorable.)
72. Drank more than five caffeinated drinks in a day.
73. Hidden someone in your room for more than three days.
74. Walked through town in sunglasses in the middle of the night.
75. Slept outside.
76. Slept with a stranger.
77. Slept with someone 10 years older than you.
78. Been naked in town.
79. Eaten food you found on the floor.
80. Spent over an hour telling someone how much you dislike someone else.
81. Spent over an hour telling someone how much you like someone else.
82. Incorrectly thought you were dating someone.
83. Had an unreciprocated crush for over six months.
84. Talked to someone about your subject for over five hours.
85. Clubbed more than five days in a week.
86. Forgotten to eat for a day.
87. Flooded your room.
88. Crashed a rowing boat or punt.
89. Got lost for more than two hours.
90. Been arrested.
91. Been banned from a club, college, or other establishment.
92. Stolen from a pub, club, restaurant or halls.
93. Worn handcuffs.
94. Not talked to someone for over a week because of a grudge.
95. Been rejected for, or rejected a college marriage proposal.
96. Sworn at your supervisor.
97. Are currently madly in love with someone, without them knowing.
98. Are currently seriously considering dropping out of university.
99. Are currently reading this on the toilet.
100. Are currently procrastinating work (now go do it!).

And if you’re wondering, I got 43.

Good luck with exams everyone!

Featured image credits: Kirsty Falconer 

Articles recommended by this author:

• Which A24 film are you based on your subject?

• Beto O’Rourke: Fragile democracy in Texas and why Cambridge is ‘f*cking amazing’

• What series you should binge, based on your Cambridge subject