The 12 types of people you’ll meet clubbing in Cambridge
Who knew so many types of people could fit into our three tiny clubs?
Didn’t you hear? Cambridge is officially the eighth best night out in the UK (check out this very convenient, very recent Tab article if you don’t believe us). So, when exam term gets you down and you’re crying into a textbook in the library (me rn), you can revel in the fact we’re officially better than Oxford in *yet* another category. Is there even a single reason to not choose Cambridge left at this point?
To celebrate this wondrous achievement, we’ve compiled a list of the 12 types of people you will definitely meet while clubbing at Cambridge. And, trust me, if you haven’t met all of them by now, you surely will do by the end of your degree – or did you even graduate?
The one who’s in bed before you’ve even finished pres
We all know an 11pm bedtime demon, but you’ll rarely (if ever) see them at the club. And that, my friends, is because this type of person will already be peacefully in bed with a pint-sized glass of water and a £5 face mask from Boots while the rest of you are stumbling up the road to Lola’s, pretending you’re still sober enough to be let in.
The one who never wears a coat
“It’s not even that cold anyway, I can’t be arsed to pay the cloakroom charge, I’ll be fiiine,” they keep telling you while you’re setting off from college. And now all of a sudden you’re five minutes into the tipsy stumble to Lola’s and they’re freezing their ass off asking to borrow your sympathy AND your coat, because “your dress is warmer than mine anywayyy”, but all you’re hearing is how you were right and they were wrong, and now you’re feeling smug because (guess what) you actually remembered your coat.
The one who won’t stop falling over in the queue
No matter how many times you tell them they need to act more sober or there’s absolutely no chance you’ll be let in, this type of person just won’t listen. “Wheeee!” They yell as they crash back down onto the pavement for the fifth time in five minutes, and you roll your eyes as you all drag them back to their feet. If, by some miracle, you all get let into the club, you can bet your left arm that they’ll be stumbling about all over the place all night, be kicked out at 1pm, and you’ll have to half-carry-half-drag them home while you’re wishing you were still out for at least another few hours.
The Toilet Gossip Queen
While you’re standing in line for the toilet, some random stranger we like to call The Toilet Gossip Queen will tell you the most minute of details about their ex, their ex’s ex, their friend’s ex, and all of their upcoming Tinder dates – and the chances are, they’ll keep yelling the finer details at you through the cubicle wall once you both finally make it into a stall. Oh, and trust me: you’ll never remember this person’s name – I doubt they ever even told you it in the first place.
The miserable sober one who won’t stop telling you about the 9am supo they have tomorrow
Yeah, well, guess what mate? We have one too, you’re not special – but we, unlike you, are trying to forget about ours, so if you wouldn’t mind keeping quiet, we’d appreciate it greatly xxx
The couple who need to get a room
Whether you are trying to order a drink, head to the bathroom or just dance, this couple will find you, and will make it awkward. Want to get past them? Nope. Not even a tap to the shoulder will stop these lovebirds from furiously making out in the most inconvenient place possible. And if I could add a third to this couple, it would be the creepy friend that is videoing this whole ordeal. I don’t care if its to put in the “lads” group chat or a private Snapchat story, it’s creepy: stop it.
The one who Snapchats everything
Possibly because this person is planning on getting so blackout drunk that they forget everything, the Snapchat-er will be throwing their phone at you every 10 seconds to get a picture. And will somehow look good in every. Single. One. Every other song will be met with a “it’s my songgggg we need a photo”, and you’ll be secretly wishing their phone would just die already.
The one you got with and really shouldn’t have
No words need to be said, because let’s be honest, you probably don’t even remember it. And if you do remember, well, you might as well just pretend you don’t… It’ll be better for everyone involved.
The one that pukes
There’s always one, there’s no doubt about it. The only question regarding The One That Pukes is this: where did they throw up this time? Outside the club while you were queuing to be let in? On the bouncer? In the club toilet? In the gutter on the way home? By the Van of Life? On the porter who came to noise complaint you at your 4am afters? Or was the answer simply “all of the above”? The answer remains to be seen…
The one in fancy dress
Are they part of a drinking soc? Was it a dare? Or do they just think that fancy dress is #edgy? Who knows. But what you do know is The One in Fancy Dress is here to go hard. Maybe they look a little silly taking four shots in a row dressed as a cartoon chicken, but they don’t care. They came here to get smashed, and you’ve got to respect them for that at least.
The 4am Van of Life demon
Every night, somebody is the last person to order chips from the Van of Life, and that person is the 4am Van of Life demon. This person goes hard (enough to forget about the extortionate prices of 4am chips) and likes to end the night on a high note (if that includes inhaling cheesy chips as they crash back into their room and into bed).
The one who’ll go straight to the library after clubbing
Not sober, not annoying, this friend will match you for drinks all night and have an amazing time, and then… just… work? Some would argue this shows an unhealthy attitude towards studying, but as a Cambridge student this just fills me up with envy. When everyone else drinks, they wake up with insufferable hangovers and have to take at least half a day off work, and yet this person manages to write three (first-class) essays, a presentation, and do some extra research “just for fun” while you’re sleeping the night away.
And there you have it! That’s it for the definitive list of the 12 types of people you will undoubtedly meet while clubbing in Cambridge. And now the only question we have left is this: which one are you?
Feature image credits: Yuqing Chen