The 12 most annoying people you’ll meet at Cambridge

When I applied for the Tab, I said that our vibe was “wholesome, positive” stories. Uplifting stuff about fun times at Cambridge, amusing and harmless hijinks, all delivered with a smile.

That was until we noticed this article from Edinburgh was doing well and decided to steal it. Rose-tinted glasses in the bin; let’s talk about the 12 most infuriating characters you’ll meet at Cambridge who, if you’ve encountered them, have made you briefly consider transferring to O*ford. 

Enormous Crowd on King’s Parade

Not a “person” per se but still annoying. Who enjoys heading out for a lovely sunny day at Cambridge only for a solid mass of people to shove you, face-first into someone else’s armpit.

Tour guides yell out inaccurate factoids (“did you know King’s College Chapel was carved from a glacial erratic in 579 BCE?”), language students practice their skills on you uninvited and tourists spend hours posing for photos in front of the entrance to your college, all with that same fixed unnerving smile. 

It definitely doesn’t feel nice to be made late because someone else is having a lovely holiday.

People who actually enjoy their degrees

While the rest of us ache and slave, these students float into their lecture on clouds with angelic music playing, smoothly complete six problem sheets, essays, and theses plus a job application before breakfast before heading into London for a combined modelling shoot/maths Olympiad. 

“Oh it’s just catalogue work, nothing impressive,” they say on the phone while annotating an article with their free hand.

People who enjoy their degrees might be who Cambridge is for, but to the rest of us, they’re annoying, just because they’re doing what they love.

People who make jokes about “shit” colleges/degrees

Oh wow, “Girton far”? You’re original. 

“Anglo-Saxon, Norse and Celtic? Good luck applying for a bank and talking about Vikings”. Wow, such banter is off the charts.

In fact, Girton is lovely (I’ve been there for simp-related reasons) and Anglo-Saxon, Norse and Celtic might lead to a really rewarding historical or archeological career that may actually be what the degree-holder wants to do.

So let’s all swear off the “Girton Far” jokes, right?

Ok, one last one. “Girton Far.”

Ok, now I’m done.

People who make a big deal about not wearing college puffers

“At least you won’t see college puffers in Ely, right?” Oh, f*ck off. You’re not special for not wearing a college puffer.

You know, some people actually believe in academic fashion. There’s nothing wrong with being proud of your college and wearing its puffer wherever you go. 

So please, you’re not special because you don’t wear one. 

Whoever shat in the Whewell’s Court laundry bins in Trinity

Whoever it was, they’re still out there. Be on your guard

Revision vloggers who raise the bar too high

“Hi guys and welcome to hour 14 of my 48-hour ‘Study With Me’ Cram and Revise Lo-Fi Chill Reading-with-me Session.”

Is this seriously what we’re supposed to do at Cambridge? Is this the standard that’s being set? Oh God, does the faculty set us work based on those videos because they think that’s what we all do?

I believe that revision vloggers are the reason you have to do work at Cambridge.

People who have loud sex while you’re trying to revise

I have thankfully escaped this torment so far, but a surprising number of friends have not.

According to them, the neighbours seem to have an uncanny sense of when someone else is revising, choosing that moment to have exciting, passionate, and, to anyone else who is listening, loud and disgusting sex. Most accommodations’ thin walls don’t help matters.

Apparently, the shy people who never say anything in person are the loudest.

Kind and understanding supervisors

Sometimes what you need is a kick up the backside to get you to start working. Or even just some constructive criticism.

These supos are too nice for that. “I’m disappointed, but I understand,” they say as you hand in no work. Shut up. Please just tell us we’re gonna get kicked out if we don’t work harder, otherwise we won’t. And no, slipping it in your report doesn’t count.

Anyone with an internship (especially the ones who won’t shut up about it)

“Internships don’t matter for jobs,” say the people like me who don’t have internships..

People who pretend to be relaxed about exams (and spend their revision time writing Tab articles)

Come on. Everyone knows you’re mega-stressed about exams and working really hard so you can do well. No one buys your act of “oh, I don’t care, I’ll just revise a little bit and do whatever.” You’re an exam worrier like the rest of us, just admit it.

People who talk loudly but in a whispery voice in the library

There’s only one thing worse than talking in the library: Talking loudly but in a whispery voice, which isn’t real whispering but merely an even more annoying form of talking. This problem is especially bad in the panopticon-like Seeley where you can hear everything.

Please, just shut up. Or even just talk normally. At least then I can mentally tune out the banal story of how your friend got wasted on tequila.

People who steal all the bread at Formals

There are never enough bowls/plates/baskets of bread at formals, and so it goes to whoever has the fastest and longest arms to grab all of it. Did Jesus not say “I am the living bread that came down from heaven”? (John 6:51)

So yeah, if you steal bread at formals, you’re going to hell.

John’s people

I’m a Trinity (sorry) so I’m legally obligated to put them in here.

Featured Image Credits: Ted Bruce

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