Love Sanitary: Finding love in the time of coronavirus
Nuzzle into The Tab’s very serious tips for hygienic, virus-proof dating.
We’re all thinking it, but no-one’s saying it. In a cruel twist of fate, we have been gifted enough time off work to actually go on dates – only to have the heavy door of quarantine slammed on our fingertips. See below for some very serious tips on how to kindle romance while maintaining sanitary standards.
1) The Distance Method.
If you can manage to find a restaurant that’s open, sit at least a table away from one another (preferably several) and FaceTime your entire conversation. Alternatively, bring one of the large glass or plastic panes you have hanging about at home and use it as a barrier to separate your table down the middle to ensure no cross contamination. You might not be able to hear anything the other person says, but let’s be honest, on first dates, that’s probably a good thing.
2) The Total Body Coverage Method.
Don your goggles, full body suits, the trusty (and stylish) N95 mask and of course your surgical gloves and head out for a stroll. Nothing says romance like interlocked latex fingers, and hey, it’ll certainly be a zeitgeist photo for the grandkids. The suits may not show off your figure, but you know what they do show off? Your excellent risk minimisation skills. Sexy.
3) The Mask.
Simple: kissing through face masks. Like your wise dentist told you about childhood retainers: just keep them on! While getting as close to smooching as possible, this option lets you enjoy the inimitable aroma of each other’s mask-breath while simultaneously avoiding the infection hotbed that is their bacteria-covered tongue. Win-win.
4) Morse code.
All you need for this is a pair of torches (and knowledge of morse code, but everyone did that in junior school, right?). A pair of virus-crossed lovers can stand on either bank of a river, flitting their torches on and off in I-L-Y patterns, until one of you gets it wrong or goes home. Honestly, I’m surprised that this hasn’t made it to the silver screen already. Make long and lonely whale calls across the water for extra passion points.
5) The Sensible Method.
Finally, there’s the option to just, not. If you’re a germophobe, risk-averse ninny or, I suppose, a rational and law-abiding citizen, just don’t get intimate with anyone that you don’t know for sure is uninfected during this time period.
You survived months of unwilling celibacy when you were a pimply teenager – you can survive this time.
Cover photo credit: author’s own