Finding a College Spouse: A Guide for Late Bloomers
There’s still hope.
Let's face it, the old “you’ll find someone when you stop looking” adage is a load of bollocks. Would you tell someone the same thing if they’d lost their child in the park, or their Camcard in Cindies? No. Because quite frankly, you don’t find shit when you’ve stopped looking for it. Some of us have had to learn (the hard way) that the same rules apply for the procurement of college spouses.
At the age of 18 or 19, there’s no tremendous social pressure to be tied down, to jump on to the relationship bandwagon or to say your vows. On the contrary, passing off solitude as independence, frivolity, or an abundant supply of carefree abandon is accepted; even encouraged.
Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for failure to have secured a college spouse. Instead of feeling like an autonomous, free-spirited, fun-emitting entity of self-love and liberation; you may start to feel like a bit of a reject.
Now that the remnants of romance of the Michaelmas air have been replaced with the frosty nip of Lent reality, it's time YOU take an active role in bagging yourself the college spouse of your dreams.
You may think that the time has passed: that you have more chance of finding the book you’re looking for in the UL than a college partner at this late stage. But fear no more. I am here to help with the perfect guide of how to find your ideal college spouse-to-be.
Tip One: BUY A BIKE
No. I’m not advertising for Cam Cycles. And no, I’m not recommending you set off on a Tour de Cambrídge, frantically circling the streets in search of that irreplaceable platonic connection of which these college partnerships so unashamedly boast.
I propose the bicycle as the perfect instrument for the on-the-go, spur-of-the-moment personality test. A more efficient method of swiping right: sticking your arm out to the right and strategically dismounting from your bike in front of potential ‘college-spouse-to-be’s, in a faux display of extreme pain and disorientation, is sure to bring the target running.
Once they’ve gallantly come running to your aid, be sure to strike the perfect balance between milking the ‘pain’ and demonstrating your wit, charm, and resilience. Together, the two of you can laugh off the scenario, maybe even spark up discussion about your mutual state of 'collitude'. And they say college romance is dead.
Note: If they don’t come to your aid, they’re more than likely not worth your college-time. Also, probably best to avoid eye-contact in the buttery to salvage any remaining dignity.
Tip Two: JOIN THE ROWING TEAM
Being a Boatie most definitely comes with pros and cons. Obvious cons include early mornings, having to erg, having to row, early mornings, and social expulsion. However, as a result of such a soul-destroying and isolating timetable, many of the rowers are likely also in your predicament.
There’s bound to be another lonely heart in your college boat club. My advice is to use your initiative and find them. Row for it.
Tip Three: ASK YOUR COLLEGE PARENTS TO SET YOU UP
Did you know that 55% of the marriages that occur in the world today are arranged marriages? So don’t stress. This 'actually wanting to marry someone' shite is less common than you'd imagine.
If you get your college parents to organise you a college-date, you can feign nonchalance and hide your manifest desperation for union (which you can no longer deny this far through my article) behind a veneer of ‘obligatory politeness’.
If the date goes well, success. Spouse in the bag. If it goes badly, success. You can pose the thesis that if you agree to marry now, neither of you will have to endure more of these uncomfortably ‘forced’ rendezvous.
Tip Four: STOP BEING so bloody picky. Beggars can’t be choosers.
If all of these innovative, fool-proof suggestions fail you, you have to start asking yourself the question: did they fail me? Or did I fail them?
Have you tried the set mate who never leaves their room? Or the person you tactfully haven’t spoken to since freshers' week? Consider lowering your standards – it might just be necessary.
With these invaluable nuggets of hope, you're sure to be sorted out in time for Valentine's Day. In the mean time, be sure to wear your bike helmet at all times… and may the odds be ever in your favour.