How to crack the scene
The 100% CERTIFIED secrets to success that everyone has kept hidden from you
Ever been to see a show where the lead actor was about as convincing as that essay you wrote last week at 4am in the pit of despair? Or as credible as that suspiciously lurking third year reassuring you that they’re ‘just being friendly’? Or as believable as your friend at Durham insisting that 'Doxbridge' is a thing? I definitely have, and let me tell you, it wasn't pretty.
Avoid those acting faux-pas by entrusting yourself to the very capable hands of The Tab (don’t fight me on this: for the sake of this argument, it has hands). Allow me to reveal to you the top-secret acting tips GUARANTEED to lavish you in limelight for your entire career:
Give it your EVERYTHING
Skip every supervision, lecture, seminar, and lab session. Burn your books. Commit to nine plays a week (if you’re sure you can’t manage more). This is unparalleled advice for any blossoming actor. Don’t even consider contesting this, it’s non- negotiable. Chuck all the other fish out of the water while they prioritise something ludicrous like their degree. Unadulterated fame awaits you. You can thank me later.
NEVER forget to project. It turns out that your year 9 drama teacher Mrs Flannel was actually right for once! The key to a captivated audience is indeed to make them hang on to your every word. So engage those abdominal muscles and flog that larynx (or any other vocal organ of your choice) to quite literally blow your audience away!
They’ll be flailing for a grip of those flying syllables. Once they’ve reached the realm of Girton your audience will have no choice but to reward your astounding lungpower with a standing ovation. It’ll also take them several months to reach an area with wifi to give you a bad review, so there you are. Two birds with one stone.
A truly first rate actor will never neglect their most important tool: their body. A versatile means of communication, the body must always be fully engaged and expressive throughout the performance. So the next time you find yourself go blank on a line, simply let your creative juices flow.
Delight the audience with a freestyle movement interpretation of your character’s internal turmoil. Trust me, they’ll love it. The more arm twitches and knee flourishes the better.
*Can be accompanied by improvised yodelling for a truly unforgettable result
Harness those emotions
A great actor once said that to make your audience feel something, you have to feel it too. Have to play a role where you are a struggling musician just trying to get your voice heard? Go to Life and request ‘All I want for Christmas is you’ at Bridgemas to get that *authentic* pang of futility (yes, I am speaking from experience here). And voilà. You are now Ryan Gosling in La La Land. Method acting. Works every time.
This one goes without saying, really. In order to truly sweep everyone off their feet (and seats), you have to really invest in your appearance. You need that little *something*. A special aura. You know, that vibe.
To be frank, my dear friends, to really crack that scene and totally demolish the stage (and the theatre and surrounding area), you MUST be an utterly gorgeous ex- Etonian. Don't even bother otherwise.
Any truly respectable actor will confirm that these are indeed their secrets to success. Unless of course they are so secretive as to deny it. So there you have it. Worldwide fame awaits you just around the corner. I expect to see many a scene good and cracked from now on.
See you in Hollywood.