Naughty News Column: Week Who Even Knows Anymore?

For those of you with a lack of purpose and too much free time


It's Week ?? of Exam Term, and Hen and Floz have collapsed into a post- truth, post- time state of fatigue. If you're looking for the News Column's usual insightful and cutting analysis, set your sights further afield (may I suggest Varsity's Brunch Briefing, which describes itself, con brio, as 'concise')

With our personal and academic lives in DISSOLUTE DISARRAY, the news column this week will merge together the happenings of Weeks 4 and 5 (is this right???). But hey, time is a societal concept anyway. So buckle down, put away your pens and / or alcoholic bevs, and submit yourself to our Cantabulous news bites.

Ducks at Emma

Our editor wanted us to put this story in the column, but we frankly could not give a single duck about the lives and deaths of Cambridge's aviary communities. Go to Emma yourself if you want to observe its aquatic populations, and stop living vicariously through us.

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we just don't care anymore, no matter what the senior eds may quack on about

Menstrual Mugging at John's

A bloody awful crime scene has ripped apart John's female welfare. It has reported that a plush red bag has been viciously stolen from the college's welfare offices, along with the sanitary products inside. If the felon who committed this foul act could step forward this would be appreciated by all those who need the help of plush red tampon bags.

(but imagine a big plush red tampon bag.) (why have we described it thus?)

Screamin' woman tears down UL

Tbh we all feel this way sometimes

Exam pressure gets to us all. However, not all of us choose to express our disdain by shrieking at the top of our lungs. This was the tactic taken by a mystery woman in the UL last week, who disrupted hard-working students by denouncing the University and its examining process. She also ranted and raved about the 'privileged' students of our university: with this level of journalistic analysis she can probably look forward to an illustrious career working for the Daily Mail.

Jesus College Pizza Inferno

In the latest effort by colleges to impress with their welfare events, Jesus has resorted to forcing pizza down the gullets of their students. A wild evening of pizza eating took place at Jesus with competitors attempting to eat pizza in the fastest time whilst avoiding heart disease or diabetes. We would like to congratulate the winner on his superb achievements and Jesus College for their innovation.

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Extreme pizza guzzling

Guinea pig-gate

In light of the recent purchase of several welfare college guinea pigs, there have been suggestions that some members of the University wanted to nibbling on their new-found mammalian pals (the wittily named Emmeline Squeakhurst, Virguinea Woolf, Ruth Bader Guineasburg and Oreo). Whether the guinea pigs were really chargrilled or not is unknown.

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The University worries about its students sometimes

About Us:

Hen and Floz have both been subjected to the wrath and fury of the MML faculty's highly unreasonable exams this week, and so are both mildly traumatised, and excited for a post-Brexit, monolingual future. They enjoyed a night out on the town at the one, the only Life yesterday, and are heading to Cindies in T-160 mins, being 'crazy kids'.

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Dear Future Employers: I am a wholeseome and hard-working student

Floz has progressed well on the Couch to 5K running programme, which she started on Week 4, because no automated recorded voice can tell her what to do.

Hen has started watching Love Island and thinks that both Adam and Laura are trouble. He has also been procrastinating by watching the Youtube channel of two evangelical American Christians. What is he like?