What they don’t tell you about being an adult

As someone who has been 18 for a grand total of 25 weeks AND 1 DAY (!!!) (yes my birthday is 12th May, please don’t feel too shy to get me a present xx), I now consider myself the living expert on the delicate craft of Adulting™. And, since I genuinely believe in giving back to the community (as claimed in my personal statement), I have decided to share with you the great wisdom I have acquired. So venture forth young one, and we, hand in hand, shall face the four horsemen of the apocalypse together.

Firstly, finances. Managing money is hard, but rather than discovering this during your short-lived stint at running this country, it would be best to tackle it now. Thankfully, there’s just one rule- don’t take your contactless card to the club. This is what will happen: you will waltz in, finger-gun sign to half a song, and one of your friends will yell, “SHOTS!” You will think this is a great idea. This is not a great idea. This is quite possibly one of the worst ideas. Two hours and countless taps of your card later and suddenly your food budget for the next week will get you half a bag of Sainsbury’s basic pasta and a single capri sun.

Budgeting done right

Secondly, let’s debunk the urban legends surrounding laundry:

Separating lights and darks? Unnecessary. I, personally, have never divided my clothes up and frankly love discovering what new shade my white shirt is going be when I take it out of the machine. It keeps me on my toes. So, ditch the discrimination (I mean this as a point for life in general as well), chuck all your things in at once, and enjoy the sheer adrenaline rush of this thrilling variation of Russian roulette.

Ironing? Waste of time. Ironing is entirely a social construct; there is absolutely no real reason for anyone to do it. “It looks smarter!” No, mum, it looks less wrinkly. There is no correlation. Why bother ironing? I don’t mean to politicise this platform, but the truth is, if no-one ironed their clothes, no-one would need to iron their clothes. Put down the iron, fold up that board, and students of the world unite.

Thirdly, cooking. It’s essential you maintain a healthy diet as a student. Your body is a temple. Sure, you massively desecrate it every Friday Night Life and by now it more resembles a derelict London tube stop, but this is beside the point. Your nutrition is paramount, which is why I have designed a comprehensive meal plan below.

As I have been sagely informed by multiple bio-NatScis, your body needs “energy” to “survive”. This, I believe, means carbs. Treat yourself with some noodles made from the unleavened dough of durum wheat flour. Enjoy this with a tomato-based purée topped with dehydrated basil flakes (pictured below).

Bone app the teeth

If you’re feeling truly innovative, crack open a sweet one (of corn). Now, and this is the most important bit, repeat this for the next three years’ worth of meals. Who says you can’t live the high-life as a student?

Finally, healthy living. Look, it was a new year, new you. You were a changed person. You were going to go to the gym three times a week, practice mindfulness, drink two litres of water a day- and you did! For 5 whole days. Okay, 5 minutes. But look, don’t give up. Scrap the water. Instead, hydrate and get one of your five-a-day by drinking fruit juice.

My neighbour certainly gets through his fair share of fermented grape juice

And exercise isn't hard either! I hate to brag, but I’ve gotten a morning run in every single day I’ve been here. “How?” you ask, your eyes wide with wonder. Well, it certainly requires a lot of discipline: Every morning I have to repeatedly snooze my alarms on two (TWO!) different devices and get ready in the most inefficient way plausible so that I can experience the exhilarating challenge of completing a 17-minute walk in half the amount of time. As you can clearly see, I am the epitome of fitness. And you know what? You could be too, if you just believed in yourself.