News Column: Cannibal Crows and Cringe-Worthy Cindies

Read it to make sure it’s not about you

birds Cambridge Churchill Cindies Clubbing Crows food gowns Hall King's Library mugs Pembroke revision Students university

Week 4 is upon us (or is it week 5 – who even knows at this point) and students are progressively more panicked, holed up in their rooms longing for that sweet shower of cava when they are free. 

Luckily, there is still some interesting drama that we can successfully follow up on – filled with petty students, murderous birds, and sleeping mathmos.

Cannibal Crows 

In Michaelmas, we reported on the brutal attack of Cambridge lawns by crows – a story that got picked up by the Daily Mail on what must have been an incredibly slow news day. Now, it seems the crows have evolved. Instead of just eating the lawn, eyewitnesses at Churchill say they have become murderous, ganging up on other birds and wildlife. Who needs planet earth when you could just go birdwatching in Cambridge?

We will fight them on the lawns…

Pembroke Mugged Off 

Next in the saga of “Pembroke is a beautiful college but the students there are never happy and feel like they have to moan about everything”, Pembroke students are pissed off about coffee mugs. John’s get their signet ring, and speciality gin, Pembroke get their personalised coffee mugs. But because everyone at Cambridge is obsessed with how unique and special they are, students can’t take it that everyone has the same mug. Petty thing to moan about, but really it is exam term and coffee and the library is all people can survive off, so really I do not blame them.

Cindies proves how boring Cantabs are 

Cindies made the big mistake of trying to get students to go out in exam term. Really you’d think they would have learnt their lesson by now. On their Facebook, they tried to get a post to 200 likes to open a week early, on 24th May. Within thirteen hours, the post had only got 5 likes – all probably prelimers who are bored out of their minds. Five days after it was posted, it still only has 10 likes. At least they tried…

How tragic

Mathmos on the floor 

We’ve all seen the Crushbridges from the sex-deprived mathmos who just live at their faculty. But some have taken it to the next level to stay in their library, with mathmos lying on the floor and working there all day if there is no desk space. Dedicated? Yes. Tragic? Also yes.

Can someone please tell me why the mathmo’s need a library if they don’t read any books…

Caterpillar at King’s  

One thing everyone knows about Kings is that they are elusive. Their exclusive hall (no gowns!!!) is a rare occasion, one that everyone wishes to tick off their formal list. Whilst apparently their food has recently been excellent, one student found a caterpillar in theirs. Instead of kicking up a fuss as most Cantabs would, like the true King’s socialist that they are, they emailed catering saying how much they loved their food, bar the slight mishap with the insect.

If you have any more gossip, let us know by emailing [email protected]! Keep an eye out, with exams starting next week, for any amusing/rage-inducing mishaps.