A day of revision told through Ke$ha lyrics

After just one morning of revision, I realised that Ke$ha is a profound philosopher. 

Unless it’s escaped your notice, it’s exam term. You want to Die Young as you watch the clock Tik Tok because your lecture notes seem like a load of Blah Blah Blah. But We R Who We R, amirite? It’s only natural for the Cantab to yell Timber because their exam performance is about to Blow. Here’s a typical day of revision according to the high priestess of youthful angst herself.

‘Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy’

I am certainly not the Puff Daddy expert, but ever since I first heard Ke$ha’s dulcet tones on my iPod Nano in 2010 I’ve imagined ‘feeling like P.Diddy’ to be rather like how the Cantab feels after an average Cambridge evening. You would brush your teeth with a bottle of Jack only if you hadn’t finished it all on C Sunday. You extract yourself from bed, unearth your laptop from a pile of work on your table and begin the day’s Facebook meme tagging. Typical Sean Combs behaviour.

We all know Diddy would rule the lib

‘The party don’t start till I walk in’ 

Even if you’re drowning in work, there’s nothing more important than your morning routine. An hour and a half of preening later you’re ready to hit the lib. It’s a proven fact that you work harder when you’re looking on point. As you stride into the dystopian tree graveyard that is the library everyone looks up to admire just how spicy you look. You have distracted your competition and you feel awesome, surely this should translate into work?

‘Got Jesus on my necklace-ace-ace’

Half an hour into your library sesh you’re literally on your knees praying for strength. Nothing’s going in. Your notes seem increasingly incomprehensible, your perfectly constructed ‘I’ve-got-my-shit-together’ outfit is falling apart at the seams as you perspire your way through another agonising mind map. You would ask for forgiveness but your brain is so full of revision that you can’t even remember how to do that. This must be what hell is like.

‘Young hearts, out of minds runnin’ till we’re out of time’ 

Let’s get real here. Every Cambridge student was hardworking enough to get in here so we’re all able to knuckle down for a couple of hours at least. This is your moment. You have prepared all morning for this crucial work sesh. Remember that eating three meals a day is a social construct that can be ignored at will. Now is the time to work like you’ve never done before (unless of course you did prelims, in which case you’re probably in bed reading the Tab).

Even Ke$ha would enjoy C Sunday

‘We get in for free?’

Anyone from North of the Watford Gap will know that Cambridge is an inordinately expensive place to live and the library is the unhappy exception. Every hour spent procrastinating is another hour on Urban Outfitters or in Itsu, so the canny Cantab simply never leaves the lib.

‘Now we goin’ till they kick us out’

Unless your college is a factory of sadness that condones round-the-clock work, your library probably closes at some point. The truly focused Cantab won’t even consider leaving the protective cocoon of their favourite desk until a porter has to physically carry them out.

If it’s this beautiful, why leave?

‘Let’s make the most of the night like we’re gonna die young’

Just because you’re not in the lib doesn’t mean you aren’t buzzing for work. Your library buddies are your only friends now so all you can do is retreat to your cave of a room for another couple of hours of work. It’s the only socialising you know now. All thoughts of mortality have been purged from your mind: Work is your only friend. You look at yourself in the mirror and you see Gollum staring back at you. Time has frozen and you are truly working hard.

‘You build me up, you break me down, my heart it pounds’ 

If you haven’t developed a caffeine addiction by now then you just aren’t hardcore enough for the revision life. The weary Cantab spends their whole day (and student loan) keeping their blood/caffeine ratio at optimum levels. Your body and brain are left battered and broken but as you gaze upon your majestic pile of work you feel it’s all worth it.

I am Cantab, king of exams, look upon my works ye mighty and despair. Yes that is Shelley not Ke$ha, but so few other poets could match her lyrical genius.