An open letter to the creators of the Facebook messenger thumb

Dear Facebook,

There are many reasons why 2016 is objectively one of the worst years thus far. It has been punctuated by the propagation of Trump and potently peppered with the untimely and unjust deaths of many internationally acclaimed superstars such as Prince, Bowie and Harambe. Yet one thing springs to mind as standing out above the rest. And that is your addition of the ‘send a like’ thumb button to the Facebook messenger chat.

Thumbs out for Harambe

Let me hark back to a simpler time, a time where one could freely flutter their fingers across the keyboard without the threat of accidentally accosting a flowing conversation with an obnoxiously large blue thumb. It was a time of peace, courtesy and mutual respect.

But you have stamped this world out, Facebook, like an angry elephant in steel-capped military boots. Or a stamp machine.

Facebook trampling upon the ashes of human connection

I consider myself a reasonable soul, and before I proceed further I would like to acknowledge that I have contemplated the potential reasons for this bizarre garnishing of the Zuckerburgian dish. I assume it is one of the following:

1. The entirety of your Facebook HQ are so unfathomably hip and trendy that every sentence they say can be succinctly and effectively responded to with an enthusiastically brandished thumbs up.
2. This is part of a grand social experiment, the aim of which is to return the world to a simpler time, of caveman-esque grunting and hieroglyphics.
3. You are set on lowering the percentage of your user-ship who are not blessed with the gift of opposable thumbs. (If this is the reason, crack on, I’m sick of receiving adds from my friend’s dogs)
4. You are in competition with Apple HQ to see who can add the most fruitless and vexatious updates to your products. I assume iOS 34 will be littered with ridiculous features such as an abacus, a harmonica and wireless headphones, and you are determined to outdo them.
5. None of your employees have ever been shown love.

Every possible conversation topic according to Marky Z

However accurate my assumptions may be, I do not feel that they justify this absolute atrocity. Moreover, I would like to ask why you felt it necessary to offer the option of increasing the size of the thumb? What possible situation requires the swelling of the thumb in such a manner that it pushes the actual contents of the chat into near oblivion? How much hatred must you feel for a fellow human to sass them with a throbbing, sarcastic growth?

I have also been informed, upon discussing this feature at many lunch tables/pub nights/counselling sessions, that it is possible to perform a switcheroo with the thumb and replace it with an emoji of your choice. It seems unkind to point out the uselessness of this feature, but unkind I must be. Moreover, it is surely indicative of the banality of a conversation if it can be reduced to a singular repeating pictograph. In what real life circumstance would you respond to someone simply by regularly shouting ‘COILED VIPER!!!’ or flexing your biceps?

Now the serpent was more crafty than any beast of the field which the LORD God had made. And he said to the woman, “Indeed, has God said, ‘You shall not eat from any tree of the garden’?”

Amongst this utter savagery, I shall offer some constructive criticism. Perhaps you could replace this button with something of similar effect, such as an automated message that reads: ‘I DON’T GIVE A FLYING FUCK ABOUT ANYTHING THAT YOU HAVE TO SAY YOU ABSOLUTE BASTARD. LET ME KNOW WHEN YOU FORMULATE THE TENDRILS OF YOUR THOUGHTS INTO SOMETHING VAGUELY COHESIVE THAT I CAN GRACE WITH A VERBAL RESPONSE. BITCH.’

Kind regards,

Ania Magliano-Wright

I’m changing my name by deed poll

PS. Please be aware that if I receive any sort of response that does not guarantee the removal of this appendage, I will be responding promptly with a thumbs up so big it will feature on Tim Peake’s Instagram.