Time-out for Tory toddlers

Butthurt Tories want our sympathy, not our stereotypes, apparently.

In a recent article which suggested that Tory students are unfairly discriminated against, a CUCA member wrote: “In Cambridge, one of the most socially liberal cities in the UK, people don’t even blink if you’re gay, bisexual, transgender, religious or not, yet to be Conservative produces cries of disgust.”

Thankfully, this article has raised awareness for an issue which is often forgotten about, one which I wholeheartedly believe in: Tory discrimination.

But honestly, comparing the treatment of Tories to the treatment of the LGBT+ community might be a little unfair. Being a Tory is far, far more difficult.

Bear with me a moment. Put yourself in the shoes of an average Tory student, and imagine the position they’re in. Before university they enjoyed life at home, going fox hunting with the lads and drinking champagne with their breakfast, or whatever it is that Tories get up to. (I wouldn’t know, I’m a mere mortal).

This one’s next, but he cried in disgust when he met a Tory so he’s earned it.

Then they find themselves in Cambridge, where – heaven forbid! – there are people with political opinions that challenge their own. There aren’t enough foxes to hunt here, and the champagne stolen from their fathers’ cellars will only last them so long. Soon they’ll have to dive into their trust funds, because of course their parents earn too much for Student Finance to have given them a penny.

So you see, Tories are truly suffering here. Forget gay lovers who are afraid to hold hands in public. Don’t worry about the transgender people who dread sexual assault every time they walk down the street. And the hate crimes against minority racial and ethnic groups? I’m sure those never happen in the Western world.

A Tory in their ensuite accommodation looking at the mess Cambridge has become, probably.

The truth is, this article has brought to light a very serious issue. Cambridge is now a city where minority groups feel safe and welcomed. It’s a city where the supporters of a political party with a long history of being the privileged elite aren’t given the same voice they were fifty years ago. And that simply can’t be seen as progress.

So the next time you hear a Tory arguing in favour of Brexit, don’t offer them a healthy counterargument, simply nod and smile. Maybe even give them a compliment: they like to hear that their penis is as big as their brain.

“I like to sweepingly trivialise issues” – “No way! Me too!” – a typical icebreaker at CUCA meetings.

It must be very difficult for Tories to find themselves in a place of such diverse opinions. So please, open your eyes and your heart, and help us to stop this tragic discrimination against Tories today.