The Cantab not-to-bucket list

There are of course plenty of tourist-esque bucket lists for Cambridge students that have been produced in the past with sensible suggestions that range from “try rowing” to “have Sunday lunch at the Fort St. George”. These suggestions will certainly give you good memories of your time in Cambridge, but unless you have a bent for it, they won’t make good stories for your grandchildren.

So The Tab has put together a list of things that would make good stories for your time here at Cambridge, but which you absolutely must not do. We’re only giving you this list to absolutely make sure you don’t do it, and don’t upset the college authorities. We are most-certainly, definitely not, telling you to attempt this list because it would be very silly and definitely not be fun.

Don’t go rowing naked. Something like 80% of Cantabs try rowing in their time, and a fair few find it boring. Don’t try and spice up your experience by rowing naked in the early hours of the morning. Don’t do it.

Just a few boys having a good ol’ “tub” together.

Don’t skinny dip in your college’s fountain or pose on their statue.  Jesus famously has a horse, Trinity a grand fountain, and King’s an alright one. It’s a send-downable offence to ride the horse, or treat these fountains like baths – if you’re caught. Don’t do it.

Don’t go roof drinking. Some colleges have easy access to rooftops through bathroom windows, but it is dangerous to go up there and enjoy the view with a glass of port after formal. Don’t do it.

Don’t enter best bums. Whilst The Tab protects the anonymity of its entrants, you definitely shouldn’t enter best bums from a prized place in your college, such as atop high table, or in the chapel as that is disrespectful. Don’t do it.

I doubt anyone will read this caption – I typed it without looking tbh.

Don’t have sex somewhere you shouldn’t. Libraries, punts, college lawns, and fellows’ gardens are not places to have sex in. They are places that should be treated better than that. Don’t do it.

Don’t do a pub crawl of all the pubs in Cambridge. There are at least 20 pubs in Cambridge and attempting to have a pint in all of them in one night would be ill-thought. It would be even more of a bad idea to set challenges for each pub and play pub golf with your friends. Don’t do it.

Don’t bridge jump. Previous Cantabs have sometimes thought it would be fun to climb over a bridge from a punt, and jump back into it as it leaves the other side of the bridge. The bridge by Magdalene should not be attempted, even if it looks like the easiest one to start with. This is clearly a bad idea. Don’t do it.

Don’t make it into the Daily Mail for raucous behaviour. On the days of Caesarean Sunday, May Week Sunday, and the morning after Trinity May Ball you should by all means avoid getting papped by the Daily Mail. It would be embarrassing for your college. Don’t do it.

Don’t steal yourself dinnerware. Some people take “mementos” from formals. Colleges have to replace things that students steal, and we all know that places like St. John’s can’t afford it. Don’t do it.

Don’t skinny dip in the Cam. The third time that nudity is mentioned in this article, so it should be clear that doing things like this is a bad idea. Don’t do it.

Don’t get Deaned. Even for a minor thing, it is not sensible to get Deaned, nor is it usually the ending of a good story. Don’t do it.

Don’t spend all of Caesarean Sunday, and May Week Sunday drunk. Whilst it may seem like everyone else is having fun doing this on Jesus Green, you should instead make your college proud and drink in moderation, like a responsible adult. Don’t do it.

All class.

Don’t keep a pet. Lord Byron reportedly kept a bear, but you shouldn’t follow in his footsteps. Taking a townie home doesn’t count. Don’t do it.

Don’t break into another college. Whilst you may think it would be fun to hop a few walls, and gates to secretly explore another college at night, it is not a good idea – especially when drunk. Don’t do it.

Don’t get engineered pennied. Definitely don’t engineer penny people either as that is irresponsible. Do not even consider using two pairs of pliers and a vice at home to make these pennies for formal. Don’t do it.

Don’t go clubbing every night in a week. Whilst it is possible to go out to a club every night of the week, you should not attempt to do them all in one week as it will negatively impact your studies. Don’t do it.

Don’t play a drinking game through a supervision. Definitely do not take vodka in water bottles into a supervision with your friend and pre-defined drinking rules. It is disrespectful to the academic hosting you. Don’t do it.

Don’t join a drinking society or swap with one. Whilst these clubs are designed solely for the purpose of having fun, it’s obviously a bad idea to join their reckless activities for a night. Don’t do it.

The modern Cantab – a culmination of almost 800 years of history, grace, and academic excellence.

Don’t break into a May Ball. Whilst the idea of partying for free for a night at an extravagant ball may seem like a good idea, your Dean would not be impressed if you were caught. Don’t do it.

Do enter RAG. This is the one item on the list we actually do recommend, because it’s a jolly good experience and clearly benefits others! However you get involved, you’re doing it for a good cause. Do it.

Do as you’re told, and stay away from all these dangerous activities.