10 ways to cope with Cambridge withdrawal symptoms
You gotta love the bridge
Being away from the ‘Bridge can be tough, so here’s a handy guide on how to survive Easter in case you find yourself suffering from the Cambridge blues, rolling on the floor screaming for a Nanna Mexico burrito and waving your camcard in the air.
- Hire your parents to be porters for the day and make them stand by the front door and either greet visitors heartily or demand entry fee. Install pigeon holes to store all mail.
- Arrange hour slots to visit your friends in their living rooms in a supervision style, making sure that you produce some work beforehand so that in can be discussed in depth and more work can be set for the following week. Preferably pull an all-nighter to complete said task.
- Force a member of your family to remake your bed and fully clean your room on a set day every week, if you’re not awake yet then they must knock on your day furiously until you budge.
- Normal family meals must be scheduled within set time parameters with the menu put online beforehand. You should ideally rename your dining room ‘The Buttery’.
- Pick one special evening to book yourself and your friends in at a restaurant for a fancy meal. Ensure that you attend wearing your gown and make them all stand up before they eat while you recite an excessively long Latin prayer.
- On a Friday night hijack your living room (or basement if you are lucky enough to have one) to create your own wild bop night right on your doorstep. Set up some incredibly loud speakers to play cheesy 00s pop songs from your childhood and sell cheap vodka mixers.
- Select a play either by Shakespeare or your favourite playwright that nobody else has heard of and make sure you advertise the auditions in your nearest community hall space on camdram. Wherever possible, subvert ideas of gender or sexuality, do something experimental with the lighting and publicise the show so heavily to the point where you have sacrificed your facebook identity for a few weeks.
- Let’s get political! If you prefer the Cambridge Union debate format, then position yourself in the most oversized chair you own while your family and friends sit on opposite sides and shout at each other. If you prefer the discussion group style then everyone should sit in a circle to create a more inclusive atmosphere, even though they must still passively aggressively dismantle each other’s ideas. Providing Sainsbury’s bakery snacks is obligatory.
- Slip invites under the doors of 10-15 random neighbours and get them all to go out to your least favourite tandoori or a Chinese restaurant one evening. Charge an extortionate amount for an awful bottle of wine and a meal that is thrown onto your plates. In order to all become instant best friends, why not try brutally humiliating yourself and each other publicly?
- Go out with your friends to the most overcrowded club but prepare by drinking as much as possible for as long as possible beforehand. When you get there request the DJ play the Lion King, then proceed to spend the majority of your night in the smoking area explaining which May Balls you are going to and why gender is a social construct.
If this prescription does not provide the cure to the Cambridge blues then remember that during next term you will be stuck in an exam hall wishing you were where you are right now. So relish your freedom.